That Dog Worries me

Once upon a not a lot of time ago I lived with a lass who shall we say could be "interesting" and"passionate" at times of stress. We had and still do come to think of it, but now sadly living apart, two working Cocker Spaniels. One a boy called Bob who is a very clever gun dog with a brain as sharp as a razor. I can just look at him and we understand each other and Bella.... erm! Now Bella on the other hand.....well....... Bella is a girl and the fastest thing between two points in the entire UK is an idea going through her head. I swear a gold fish has more retentive capacity than this dog. Indeed, so bad are her mental faculties that I called her the special needs cocker. But hugs, she gives a plenty and from the day the Memsahib rescued her it was love at first sight. They bonded and have been together ever since.

When Bella had been with us a month or two, My Mrs, for the sake of her blushes lets call her Jane, said "I wonder if we can teach her to come back when off the lead" as we had done with Bob. I said "only if you have a long piece of elastic" but, (I mused out loud) we could go down the river onto an small island and let her off and see what happens". Thus having committed us to this stupid course of action off we went to the river with hope in our hearts and Bella wagging her tail. Once on the island and bounded by river on threes sides an a large wall to our rear we let Bella off the lead. She sniffed once took a wee and without even pausing for breath - as any self respecting spaniel would do - promptly dived in the river swam across to the opposite bank, jumped out and started to chase a herd of bullocks around a massive field.  I stood there a bit non plused working how not to get wet, angles of interception and so forth, while all action Jane did not hesitate for a minute. She turned into our local super hero "Jane Super Cocker Rescue Women", whipped off her skirt, dived in, swam the river and then did something surreal. Now in her knickers she actually set off at speed that i didnt know she had in hot pursuit of a herd of Bullocks being chased by a mad cocker spaniel around a very big field. Once I had closed my mouth and surveyed the scene to ensure I was on the same page, I took a deep jumped over the  wall to our rear and walked up the road to the gate of the field containing this wonderful slap stick vista of women in knickers chasing herd of bulls and a dog around a field, I was not alone long. Cars slowed and stopped, people got out and I was joined slowly by a small but enthusiastic crowd of people to watch Jane chasing a dog, chasing some bulls. On the second circuit of this huge field I noted the strange procession had a logic of its own, it would first charge off to the river where Bella would corner the bulls and bark a bit. Then just as Jane got there as was about to snatch the dog the bulls would get brave, turn around and chase the wife and Bella back up the field. after a few circuits Jane was flagging bless her and took up the middle ground in the field in her first strategic move, brought on more by approaching exhaustion than general ship. As it happened it proved fruitless anyway as all the mammals in the field ignored her as the thundered by.. But showing true determination as they all passed Jane she would turn and head after the pack for a bit, but as she caught up this time at the top of the field Bellas turned barked at them and they all stampeded back passed Jane in the other direction. This happened three or four times and after a while Jane was covered in bullshit from going head over arse into the liberally spread cow pats and although her spirit was still strong one could tell she was flagging. As this set piece pattern of mobile hysteria bellowing, shouting and barking passed our gate for a third or fourth circuit a girl said to me "is that your Mrs" I said yes it is (rather quietly) and she said "game gal"! I agreed and eventually working on the principle that sooner or later she and they would all tire of this rather pointless game I climbed the gate with a lad who volunteered to help after he had stopped laughing. As they all sailed passed with this time Bella being chased by the Bulls and the Bulls being chased by Jane my new friend and I tagged on the rear of the column and managed to herd them all back against the river and jump the bloody dog before the bulls could do serious harm to Bella, Jane, us and each other or learn to swim.

Once tethered the dog tried to look innocent, the bulls wondered off to carry on doing what bulls presumably do when not being chased by dogs and super heroes in their knickers and a far from friendly farmer turned up to have a pop at us for running off a few thousand pounds of meat from his herd. Once placated he sat on his 4x4 and looked grim and I then took time to  really have a look at Jane. I must say she looked stunning in her saturated drawers, panting like the asthmatic she is actually is, hair plastered over her face and totally covered in bullshit. Valiantly I just managed to stop laughing and suggested meekly that she swam back across the river in order to shall we say " to freshen up".  Jane then rather I thought flounced off defiantly towards the river without a word and dived in. I noted she swam the river with rather a fetching breast stroke that managed to portray I swear a degree of style and plucky under the circumstances I thought. I particularly liked the flick of her hair she managed as she ascended the other bank, then sadly spoiled it when she fell flat on her face and slithered back in. I naturally made no further comment and walked back around the road way, met her on the road the other side of the wall making a puddle and now with her her discarded skirt, which intriguingly she did not put back, on folded neatly over her arm. All this was getting a bit much for my giggle reflex gland and as hysteria reached max levels in my head I  had to watch her pert arse swing rather defiantly back to the car with the dog now securely on a lead without a thought in her empty head concerning the carnage she had just caused. I was following along behind actually quiet proud of the old gals defiance in her current attire. I think I even hummed the theme to the Dambusters as I quickly got in step. Once secure in the car Jane said only "Dont say a word" in a voice that brokered no reply as we drove home passed the slowly dispersing  mesmerized people at the gate and an angry looking farmer with a herd of shagged out bulls the other side.

Following this episode of animal magic, when we got home I looked at Bella more closely and I noted she is crossed eyed. Lovely dog, but without doubt half a denti stix short of a gob full. I also, when temper had subsided somewhat, asked Jane why she had taken off her skirt and she said simply "its Puruna from Marks and Spencers". So, there you go I thought "women cant live with em and yer cant shoot em". Mad a a box of frogs of course and further more both of them actually do have a lazy eye!