Diet madness part 2

RE: I can’t catch the

bugg"Good morning can I see Dawn the Healer please?" 

Recently I was banging on about weight watchers and slimmers world being modeled on the church and how it becomes a faith to some who are shall we say easily led. Well today, as if to confirm it, as a result of a referral from my Practice Nurse I was sent to my local leisure center to be assessed by "the Healing team" and hopefully given some easy exercises to do and a "path to follow". Duly I received a letter confirming date, time, told to report to "Dawn the Healer" and dressed in "Suitable" loose fitting attire! Amazing how this all stacks up isnt it. I wonder if the Church realises they are being ripped off? Anyway, I arose and put on my track suite and trainers and prepared to be physically abused to within an inch of my life and/or baptised in my new religion. 

At the appointed time today with due solemnity I approached the reception desk of my local leisure center. This is how it went:

"Good morning sir"said a young lady of some 19 summers.

"Good morning I have come to see Dawn the Healer" I said in reverence. 

"Dawn the healer?" 

"Yes Dawn the Healer of this Parish" 

"Do you mean a member of the healing team"

"No I mean a member of the healing team named Dawn" 

"They are all healers" 

Me starting to warm up now - "You mean you have more than one healer"

"We have six sir"

"Saints be praised, is the general synod aware you have six?"

"sorry!"

"whatever you do dont tell the Catholics, you havent told the Methodists have you there would be unconfined beating of chests and disturbance of the Queens peace a plenty?"

"Huh" 

"Never mind... May I see one of your healers please.. For I am in need of healing" 

She mutters and phones the healers....presumably upstairs!

"Someone will see you soon, please take a seat"

"When can i pick up my bed and walk"

"sorry"

"nothing" 

Five mins passes then in walks this spotty specoid in shorts, t shirt with "feel" something or other ominously obscured on it. 

"Hi Im Boyce"

I looked over my glasses and said, "Are you a healer?" 

"Sorry"

"Are you a healer Boyce.. I have been sent by Doctor Jenny Ballentyne of North Thorseby Practice to meet with Dawn the Healer, see here I have a letter from her to Dawn the Healer and copied to the Corinthians" 

"What"

"Im kidding Boyce, im here on referal to see Dawn"

"Ohhhhhhhh - shes off with flu today"

"Self healing not an option then"

"Erm no"

Boyce and I then entered the inner sanctum where there were many instruments of torture, I saw people on the rack and being forced to run standing still. I presumed these were heretics and I saw Inquisitors similar in dress to Boyce walking around and correcting the heretics being tortured. there was also a water torture chamber in which it appeared fat people were being boiled alive. I trembled as we walked into a small office and I was interviewed concerning my ability to withstand torture and reminded my house was at risk if I did not keep up worshipful payments once a month. 

I was then made to lay upon the paper covered alter and I had my first Body Mass performed with the holy inside leg calipers of salvation with which Boyce impaled my flesh and from which I ascended the scales of devotion and the height stick of joy. Many notes were taken and I was then questioned closely as to my families medical history. Much was written and Boyce seemed to be in a state of grace at one point when he talked of the many facilities there was to be found in the temple and the benefits open to believers. I was given a conducted tour of the torture chamber and noted with trepidation that there were many of similar appearance to myself who where NOT having a good time.  With a comforting word of enticement concerning my future well being and happy inclusion into the saved kingdom of the thin I was released back into the wild.

More next week dear reader.