Christmas television

Once upon a 1990s time there was BBC 1, BBC2, ITV, Channel Four and if you really wanted to push the boat out you could get a satellite dish and listen to the porn channel. I've been told that if you squinted and looked sideways at it you could maybe see a bent leg now and then? I wouldnt know of course because my neighbor got a pirate decoder from Holland and I just watched it around there. Not much to it, really the plot lines usually involved a lot of plumbers being called out to service the plumbing of some rather gaudy looking tarts in six inch heels.

There wasn't many channels back then but there was a lot of quality programs. Especially over Christmas when they really pushed the boat out and particularly on BBC you got your money's worth. Those of us old enough to remember the specials of Eric and Ernie or the Trotters will know what I mean. I have almost religiously avoided watching the endless repeats of only fools and horses just so that one day I can get the box set and watch the lot in a monster fest of TV goodies.

While I am on the subject of box sets. Rather like a bucket list of things to do when they tell you, you have some God awful terminal event on the horizon, I have a boxset list and here it is:
Only Fools and Horses
Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy and Smileys People (the old BBC series)
The West Wing
Cheers
Frasier
War Walks by Professor Ian Holmes - Just the best war historian and much missed. His program on the first battle of Mons is superb simply because, as with all good teachers, he holds ones attention. As did A.J.P Taylor before him.
Spaced and Black Book Both 1990s Channel Four quirky Comedies.
And Peter Kays Car share..

This superbly funny repeat was put on over Christmas again to fill the gaps of a frankly appallingly bad Christmas season and was as funny as the first time it was shown. Simple, superbly written and performed by two central characters who had a splendid chemistry this program was and is top of my list. I sincerely hope the Beeb will make a second series.

I thought even the films were just plain poor and you would think with the availability of some really great movies made over the last ten years, they would have been spoilt for choice. Instead they were all instantly forgettable hollywood tripe with so many special effects and explosions going off that one could have come down with PTSD by boxing day. Why they go for these block busters is beyond me, they cost a mint and the BBC and Channel four have made some great films. Guard, In Brugge, Salmon Fishing In the Yemen Etc etc.

The point is, surely if you can make a great comedy simply by putting two everyday people in a car and driving to work and back then you do not have to spend a billion dollars making a epic cinematic rendition of the end of the world! I know the Beeb has a limited budget, you can tell that by the shite they make such as Throw Down. Which and I kid you not is about competitive pottery making.. I know...I had to pinch myself.... really it is... one bloke was in tears last week when his handle fell off. We have lots and lots of these very cheap programs:
Bargain Hunt - Four people go head to head buying crap which they then sell at auction. Why? no idea.

Move to the Country - This is just a good excuse for nosy people to have a look at other folks houses while two people decided whether they wish to move from a house in Hampstead with all mod cons to a hovel in Devon with a septic tank, no gas and damp. They usually do not, funnily enough

Come dine with me - A program that is hard to define, other than it is shite. Four people try throw dinner parties at which they act or in some cases are complete idiots. They then sit around and give each other scores.

The list is endless and includes probably my favorite which is about a man who goes around looking in peoples sheds.. Recently he found a shed full of Japanese motorbikes and you would have thought it was the holy grail. So happy was he at this discovery that it overlapped into another episode. I have to confess on this one I was so surprised at just how bad it was that I almost got hooked into watching it.  This is by no means a rare event as I once sat with my Mrs for an hours watching a train going down a track just to see where it was going. It never got there and I suspect it was a loop. Other superbly bad programs of note included Tuti Fruti and Italian Program on Satellite in the 90s which was a chat show quiz where every now and then the girls in the dance troop would march on and gets their boobs out.

All very educational and edgy stuff back then. Now of course with such delights as watching failed actresses and minor celebs eating Kangaroo Testicles on prime time ITV its debatable at best and mind numbing to consider what now passes as entertainment. I just would like to spend a moment here in profound respect and sympathy for the marsupials and wild life of Australia who were forced to give up their reproductive organs for so little good reason. Surly they could have given them frankfurters to eat or turkey twizzlers. The contents are apparently the same.

In conclusion, no doubt the new year will kick off with a hundred ways to loose weight and get divorced, both are top family events following the festive season I am told.