Night Night TOGS Everywhere

Very sad news that Terry Wogan has died of cancer. Lovely man and much missed, I lost count of the times he cracked me up on his morning BBC Radio Two show. His Chuffer Danbridge stories were so funny.. Greatly Missed. He was a true gentleman.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JgwD6SR-CXs     Cut and Paste into your browser to Hear Terry at his best.

Sitting here listening to Radio Two tributes to the old Terry makes one muse on the power of steam powered radio. I love the radio on many levels, especially its ability to make a picture in ones imagination. The radio really is the sounds of my years and as such was dominated by the Radio DJs of those years. I remember so well listening to on  my Bush Transistor Radio under the bed clothes in Germany. My first memory would be of  Pete Murray on Luxembourg 208 Medium Wave. Then on the home service we had Forces Family Favorites with Judith Charmers and Cliff Mitchelmore. "And now for 240 AC Mains in El Adam we have Elma Cogan singing, Its raining in my heart from your girl friend Freda Dent in Brent with a message You behave till you get back or youl get a fick ear".

Later the Pirate ships made one feel actually conspiratorial in in toe with Johhny Walker and superb Emperor Rosko Shows illegally booming in from the North Sea and challenging the BBC to retaliate with Radio One. They, paved the way for Kenny Everett being sublime between getting fired from Radio One. His Kremen of the Star Corps was not to be missed. They really were the tracks of my years. Saturday was not the same without Radio Snooker and Dave Lee Travis and no one of my age will ever forget the Superb "Fluff Freemon" "oright... Not arf". We really were blessed with these household names who in no small measure shaped us and brought us together, as only the radio could in its glory days.

List of Huntingdonshire Cabmen 24th January 2016

                              (A homage to JB Morten "Beachcomber" of the Daily Express)

The List of Huntingdonshire Cabmen week ending 24th January 2016:

Administrative Notice. All chapters are to note: list of names for consideration in the forthcoming quarterly review should be forwarded prior to the umpteenth of the month.

Awards:
1st gear
Vlad the Flatulent
Eresumus Tremor P. Triangular-Gramophone Snr III
Manfred Shingles-Plural
Wilberforce Wranglebum

2nd gear
Nicholas Tangent-Gastricband.
Frenella Fume-Extractorfan.
Count Cedric the Terrible of Sidcup and Lower Saxony third Goat herder in waiting to HRH the Queen of Nepal.

3rd grear
Lurgrund the Norsk.
Mable Dentfondler
Garfield Pressington Trousers


Birth - Marriage and Deaths:

Births:
Anthony and Mergatroid Prior-Offence a Son Bogwort 3lb 50p St Marginally-Strange community health care centre, Slumpted-in-the-pond. Middx. Blessing at St Gruntfords next wednesday. No confetti please.

Marriage
Mr and Mrs W. W. Doubleyou are timidly announcing the proposed union of their son Spoonbill to Miss Grace Over at the Scunthorpe registry office thursday 14th. Reception at the Gusset and Anchor 3 till 3-15 pm. Dress optional.

Deaths:
Major Glade-Bashford-Hound suddenly last thursday, Salisbury plain Artillery range. His teeth are to be interned at St Marmaduke the placid, Winterbourne-Hampers Dorset at a date to be fixed. Donations only please to Save the lesser crested Spoobill. PO Box 76 Bognor.

Admin:
Due to numerous requests for clarification to last weeks addendum to the main frame IT handbook Margaret Simpleton-Duckwit has been asked to pen the following notation:
"Not withstanding the manufacturers warranty it is suggested that the main frame access flux garnishing valve is disconnected prior to draining the sump flange steriliser in-port port.  

However, tampering with the Hyperhelix gander blaster could cause minor frabulation of the secondary scatterflutter pinion. Should this occur a short course of interflugal compression of the polymorphic prangle clutch will probably re-cynchronise the thermionic triode scrounger magnatron and allow re calibration of the extrusion discumflabulator by manual imput. 

Under no circumstances should the wizmognification sprocket be placed in any other position but at a tangent of 47 deg to the hypoid without first engaging the main frame flumax catch. 

Erm Wet Weather Again

Time can seem longer on a wet weather day. The rain hitting the window means its an easterly wind and going to be cold and wet. As I look to confirm it out the window I can see the weather vane on the church tower is stuck firmly in my predicted direction and I mentally shiver. On such days I just pull the duvet over my head and listen to radio four for a while longer. Only women's hour can get me out of my snug, smugness and downstairs to put the kettle on. Oh and of course the dog digging me out for biological need usually has the same effect as women's hour come to think of it.

Once downstairs having forgotten my socks I do the cold floor dance while waiting for the kettle to boil, toast to pop and Bob to return from his early morning garden perimeter check. I nod to him and he to me to confirm all is well as I spread the golden shreds on the brown (diet!) toast. I check the mail, check the fire is still in and if not return to eat toast and read mail in my office.

Today is one such day and I was supposed to be pulling out the seats in the car, but the weather put pay to that and it was just a case of choosing the right time to take the dog for a walk. Too soon and he and I would collide with a brisk shower and get drenched. Too late and there are so many people out he cant get off the lead and have a gallop. Yesterday was a case in point. I got out the car as Bob the dog ran off. Five seconds later he was pounding back barking at me to open the door with a huge German Shepherd on his tail. We both just made it back into the car before Heidi Hitler the Hun Hound nearly had the pair of us.

On days such as this I easily turn to musing the human and my own woeful condition and I have to confess i am in the doldrums at the moment. Everything seems to be on hold, or put another way; its a typical January. I find myself deep in thought without actually wishing to be so. Musing such as:
Do I leave my book, ending with my leaving school and avoid the far more complicated and contentious next part of my life, or full steam ahead and call some people I know the Bastards they are? Revenge as they say is a dish best served cold... or should it read "not at all". I was never a vengeful man.
Then closer to my heart:
Do I want to be alone the rest of my life, life in  a relationship has not always been a great bucket of giggles for me and the old heart has been subjected to perhaps one too many kickings to wish to risk further abuse. After three failed long term relationships, I have begun to think that perhaps love is not for me! Is another relationship something to consider, or should one quit while one is ahead?
So, what of the future? A few more medical procedures to go on this beat up old body of mine and what if they find something horrible? What then, Or. What if it works out fine and dandy and a return to something like good health is on the cards? Wouldnt that be fun!

Cross all those bridges in due course naturally, but its a typical January rainy day thought pattern. Is it the shortness of the daylight, the weather, the bloody bills and brown envelopes flopping through the door? Mental conditioning? I mean do they feel like this in Australia? Its summer down there!

Then there is the irrational thoughts that come unbidden. I recently had an endoscopy and biopsy. While the chap (amazingly we were never introduced) was up my backside he mumbled to the Nurse that I was showing signs of wear in my bowels. I only half registered this at the time, but now find myself worrying about just what "Signs of wear" implies and to what degree. Will this become more pronounced and should I think about the consequences of the demise of my colon and ultimately of course my bottom hanging in tatters? I now find as a consequence of this disquieting information that I think the most ludicrous things. Such as congratulating my bottom when it produces a good health specimen or crisp sounding trump. "All is well", is this rational? 

Ahh well, Such is life and the sun is peeping through. Best see if we can duck the Hun Hound of Hell and get our legs stretched. Do rational people consider the strength and tone of their passing wind? Gosh.. January.

Addendum to last:
As Bob and I walked in companionship across the wolds the sun broke through and a poem came to me that summed up the day perfectly:

Happy the man, whose wish and care
A few paternal acres bound,
Content to breathe his native air,
In his own ground.

Whose heards with milk, whose fields with bread,
Whose flocks supply him with attire,
Whose trees in summer yield him shade,
In winter fire.

Blest! who can unconcern'dly find
Hours, days, and years slide soft away,
In health of body, peace of mind,
Quiet by day,

Sound sleep by night; study and ease
Together mix'd; sweet recreation,
And innocence, which most does please,
With meditation.

Thus let me live, unseen, unknown;
Thus unlamented let me die;
Steal from the world, and not a stone

Tell where I lye

And so back to my domicile to beverage of fresh brewed coffee with a dash of nutmeg. Dog lies happy steaming by the fire and all is well in this part of Gods sweet earth. Night night dear reader.  

List of Huntingdonshire Cabmen 17th Jan 2016

                                     (In homage to JB Morten - Beachcomber of the Express.)

Administrative note:
1. Due to a illness the former chair person of the Cab steering group has been suspended due to back injury.
2. Amendment to the Rule book - Page 476 Paragraph 3b line six The Member may only be retracted when insertion has been completed etc. Should read Remember to retract the member from insertion in the pool. 

There have been no nominations to the list approved at the general gathering this tuesday week. Only minor siblings having been considered for forwarding to the national congregational stampede which as we all know is penciled in for the third month after mid summer gallop to be held in the grounds of St Brenda's Home for the mildly stupid.

Club News:
All at Sea with the Virgin, Wigan Pier sub chapter are proud to announce nothing in particular happened last weekend at the annual bar-b-cu. There was thankfully no repetition of the unfortunate incident last year concerning Harold Hardley-Sane - third gear in waiting - in the Public urinal with Miss Sadie Endowment-Policy - 2nd gear.

Wombleton on Edge wish to announce that due to coastal erosion there next club meeting is delayed until the club house can be rebuilt further inland. Those wishing to help should bring their own lifebelt.

Births - Marriages - Deaths.

Births in a Ford Mondeo 1.8 G.L. on the M1 North bound A baby boy Matthew to Harry and Edna Spoonbill. Blessing at Leicester Forest East Services next tuesday. Full English Breakfast £35.89 plus vat.

Marriages
Mark and Angela Chapter-Six are reticent to announce the union of their daughter Marigold to Mr Geoffrey Gloves of Woxley-Cum-Sudden of Dorset at the Church of Are Souls, Going-Down-Dale. Reception at the Cooperative combined Civic Garden Center and Sewage Treatment Plant, Burst Drain in the vale. Kent on the next tuesday after this one coming monday.

Deaths
Sadly and without notice Lord Mandrake Van der Lump-Hammer Fifth gear and Musli Cluster KCB, VD, OBE, Gin and Bar, Late Bog Brush in Waiting to H.R.H. The King of Nigeria. Found expired in his Surrey out building following a prolonged period of constipation. Contributions to the Save the startled Mongoose society only please.

I.T.
Despite our best efforts to remedially update the maingusset sponge valve and thus re-set the frangible pile flaps the output guessometer still  will not re-calibrate to plus or minus six giggasplods within tolerance. IT Managers are therefore advised that to ensure ability to back up lost data they must access the main panel sub frame furnace interface with the hyperbladder drive upper helix fixture socket and then tamper with the trapisoidal temperate bycential blaster gland. If the tolerance metere shows an increase of 56 snuff particles per second over the square route of a meat pie it can be removed eaten in the normal manner and this should allow normal operation of the main frame pentium odeometer to be re-set. Failing this just switch it on and off at the mains.

That Dog Worries me

Once upon a not a lot of time ago I lived with a lass who shall we say could be "interesting" and"passionate" at times of stress. We had and still do come to think of it, but now sadly living apart, two working Cocker Spaniels. One a boy called Bob who is a very clever gun dog with a brain as sharp as a razor. I can just look at him and we understand each other and Bella.... erm! Now Bella on the other hand.....well....... Bella is a girl and the fastest thing between two points in the entire UK is an idea going through her head. I swear a gold fish has more retentive capacity than this dog. Indeed, so bad are her mental faculties that I called her the special needs cocker. But hugs, she gives a plenty and from the day the Memsahib rescued her it was love at first sight. They bonded and have been together ever since.

When Bella had been with us a month or two, My Mrs, for the sake of her blushes lets call her Jane, said "I wonder if we can teach her to come back when off the lead" as we had done with Bob. I said "only if you have a long piece of elastic" but, (I mused out loud) we could go down the river onto an small island and let her off and see what happens". Thus having committed us to this stupid course of action off we went to the river with hope in our hearts and Bella wagging her tail. Once on the island and bounded by river on threes sides an a large wall to our rear we let Bella off the lead. She sniffed once took a wee and without even pausing for breath - as any self respecting spaniel would do - promptly dived in the river swam across to the opposite bank, jumped out and started to chase a herd of bullocks around a massive field.  I stood there a bit non plused working how not to get wet, angles of interception and so forth, while all action Jane did not hesitate for a minute. She turned into our local super hero "Jane Super Cocker Rescue Women", whipped off her skirt, dived in, swam the river and then did something surreal. Now in her knickers she actually set off at speed that i didnt know she had in hot pursuit of a herd of Bullocks being chased by a mad cocker spaniel around a very big field. Once I had closed my mouth and surveyed the scene to ensure I was on the same page, I took a deep jumped over the  wall to our rear and walked up the road to the gate of the field containing this wonderful slap stick vista of women in knickers chasing herd of bulls and a dog around a field, I was not alone long. Cars slowed and stopped, people got out and I was joined slowly by a small but enthusiastic crowd of people to watch Jane chasing a dog, chasing some bulls. On the second circuit of this huge field I noted the strange procession had a logic of its own, it would first charge off to the river where Bella would corner the bulls and bark a bit. Then just as Jane got there as was about to snatch the dog the bulls would get brave, turn around and chase the wife and Bella back up the field. after a few circuits Jane was flagging bless her and took up the middle ground in the field in her first strategic move, brought on more by approaching exhaustion than general ship. As it happened it proved fruitless anyway as all the mammals in the field ignored her as the thundered by.. But showing true determination as they all passed Jane she would turn and head after the pack for a bit, but as she caught up this time at the top of the field Bellas turned barked at them and they all stampeded back passed Jane in the other direction. This happened three or four times and after a while Jane was covered in bullshit from going head over arse into the liberally spread cow pats and although her spirit was still strong one could tell she was flagging. As this set piece pattern of mobile hysteria bellowing, shouting and barking passed our gate for a third or fourth circuit a girl said to me "is that your Mrs" I said yes it is (rather quietly) and she said "game gal"! I agreed and eventually working on the principle that sooner or later she and they would all tire of this rather pointless game I climbed the gate with a lad who volunteered to help after he had stopped laughing. As they all sailed passed with this time Bella being chased by the Bulls and the Bulls being chased by Jane my new friend and I tagged on the rear of the column and managed to herd them all back against the river and jump the bloody dog before the bulls could do serious harm to Bella, Jane, us and each other or learn to swim.

Once tethered the dog tried to look innocent, the bulls wondered off to carry on doing what bulls presumably do when not being chased by dogs and super heroes in their knickers and a far from friendly farmer turned up to have a pop at us for running off a few thousand pounds of meat from his herd. Once placated he sat on his 4x4 and looked grim and I then took time to  really have a look at Jane. I must say she looked stunning in her saturated drawers, panting like the asthmatic she is actually is, hair plastered over her face and totally covered in bullshit. Valiantly I just managed to stop laughing and suggested meekly that she swam back across the river in order to shall we say " to freshen up".  Jane then rather I thought flounced off defiantly towards the river without a word and dived in. I noted she swam the river with rather a fetching breast stroke that managed to portray I swear a degree of style and plucky under the circumstances I thought. I particularly liked the flick of her hair she managed as she ascended the other bank, then sadly spoiled it when she fell flat on her face and slithered back in. I naturally made no further comment and walked back around the road way, met her on the road the other side of the wall making a puddle and now with her her discarded skirt, which intriguingly she did not put back, on folded neatly over her arm. All this was getting a bit much for my giggle reflex gland and as hysteria reached max levels in my head I  had to watch her pert arse swing rather defiantly back to the car with the dog now securely on a lead without a thought in her empty head concerning the carnage she had just caused. I was following along behind actually quiet proud of the old gals defiance in her current attire. I think I even hummed the theme to the Dambusters as I quickly got in step. Once secure in the car Jane said only "Dont say a word" in a voice that brokered no reply as we drove home passed the slowly dispersing  mesmerized people at the gate and an angry looking farmer with a herd of shagged out bulls the other side.

Following this episode of animal magic, when we got home I looked at Bella more closely and I noted she is crossed eyed. Lovely dog, but without doubt half a denti stix short of a gob full. I also, when temper had subsided somewhat, asked Jane why she had taken off her skirt and she said simply "its Puruna from Marks and Spencers". So, there you go I thought "women cant live with em and yer cant shoot em". Mad a a box of frogs of course and further more both of them actually do have a lazy eye!

List of Huntingdonshire Cabmen

                            (a homage to J.B.Morten "Beachcomber" of the Daily Express)

The following announcements and awards are hereby to be promulgated with immediate effect:

1st gear green endorsements

Helmet P. Humpback-Camel 
Gregory Ann Chant
Terrapin Prune-Fondler

3 gear with synchromesh clusters. 
Marigold Gloves
Peter Peanut-Spread
Gladys Glandular-Fever


4 Gear 
Garfield Mobile-Canteen
Winston W Walrus-Tithamster
Bertram Bottom-Burp OBE
Dingleberry Skidmark-Smyth the Third 
Derby Dismounted-Toadstool  KCB


Special Announcements
Sadly Sir Sidney Slightly-Bent MBE etc has been anointed with due unction following his recent experience with a swan kettle at home. His death leaves open the position of Chief Gear Knob and Mungerbadger for the south east district. 

Only suitably mounted Blandwanglers may apply for strangulation following inspection and vetting. Applications should be forwarded, with supporting evidence of practical Mungering and Badgering within the community and witnessed by seven Cabmen Ranked 3rd gear or above to The Most Worshipful Gear Knob for her appreciation. 


Births
Cabman Johnathan and Wendy Wankel-Rotaryengine a boy suddenly on the 5A bus tuesday last on the Uxbridge by-pass. Christening at Hayes Bus Station 23 feb. 

Marriages 
Wimble Dimwit and Miss Lucinda Largely-Limp at St Clements, Clapton Crab Sandwich Isle of Dogs on or about the 24th March. 

Deaths 
Major General Sir Wilson P.D. Preamble-Dictionary CBE, Mid, Crested Newt and bar. In bed following a dispute over the bill with his Valet Miss Candy Ample. Burial at sea off Lands End. Flowers to be sent to - 23.5 deg East 45.6 deg North. 

Foreign Cabmen 
Baron Heinrich Von Der Humble-Apfel-Strudle -  Ritter Kross mit kotofel salat und Germuse. In his Panzer wednesday last near Warsaw. 

Administration: 
Owners of the IGM 2000 Turbo main frame Intel Muncher series are to note: 
Following the recent conflagulationary divestment of the main spring collecting data plodder it has been decided that all mainframe biannual grunge gathering device supporting documentation must be inspected by Miss Ann Ually of head office quarterly. This should negate any further instances of multiple gland expansion and meandering of the hemispherical pinion rack connected to the data gander. Please refer to your manual on this subject and ensure your turn and bank indicators are fully retracted when leaving or entering a main intersection. No special safety precautions are necessary and the aid of a safety net is only recommended if you need to remove the bladder ladder and inspection plate therein to get into the main disc mounting shaft prior to lubrication of the top mast ball race and chain driven megasplicer.  Care should be taken to ensure your hands stay attached to your wrists throughout this operation. 

Diet madness part 2

RE: I can’t catch the

bugg"Good morning can I see Dawn the Healer please?" 

Recently I was banging on about weight watchers and slimmers world being modeled on the church and how it becomes a faith to some who are shall we say easily led. Well today, as if to confirm it, as a result of a referral from my Practice Nurse I was sent to my local leisure center to be assessed by "the Healing team" and hopefully given some easy exercises to do and a "path to follow". Duly I received a letter confirming date, time, told to report to "Dawn the Healer" and dressed in "Suitable" loose fitting attire! Amazing how this all stacks up isnt it. I wonder if the Church realises they are being ripped off? Anyway, I arose and put on my track suite and trainers and prepared to be physically abused to within an inch of my life and/or baptised in my new religion. 

At the appointed time today with due solemnity I approached the reception desk of my local leisure center. This is how it went:

"Good morning sir"said a young lady of some 19 summers.

"Good morning I have come to see Dawn the Healer" I said in reverence. 

"Dawn the healer?" 

"Yes Dawn the Healer of this Parish" 

"Do you mean a member of the healing team"

"No I mean a member of the healing team named Dawn" 

"They are all healers" 

Me starting to warm up now - "You mean you have more than one healer"

"We have six sir"

"Saints be praised, is the general synod aware you have six?"

"sorry!"

"whatever you do dont tell the Catholics, you havent told the Methodists have you there would be unconfined beating of chests and disturbance of the Queens peace a plenty?"

"Huh" 

"Never mind... May I see one of your healers please.. For I am in need of healing" 

She mutters and phones the healers....presumably upstairs!

"Someone will see you soon, please take a seat"

"When can i pick up my bed and walk"

"sorry"

"nothing" 

Five mins passes then in walks this spotty specoid in shorts, t shirt with "feel" something or other ominously obscured on it. 

"Hi Im Boyce"

I looked over my glasses and said, "Are you a healer?" 

"Sorry"

"Are you a healer Boyce.. I have been sent by Doctor Jenny Ballentyne of North Thorseby Practice to meet with Dawn the Healer, see here I have a letter from her to Dawn the Healer and copied to the Corinthians" 

"What"

"Im kidding Boyce, im here on referal to see Dawn"

"Ohhhhhhhh - shes off with flu today"

"Self healing not an option then"

"Erm no"

Boyce and I then entered the inner sanctum where there were many instruments of torture, I saw people on the rack and being forced to run standing still. I presumed these were heretics and I saw Inquisitors similar in dress to Boyce walking around and correcting the heretics being tortured. there was also a water torture chamber in which it appeared fat people were being boiled alive. I trembled as we walked into a small office and I was interviewed concerning my ability to withstand torture and reminded my house was at risk if I did not keep up worshipful payments once a month. 

I was then made to lay upon the paper covered alter and I had my first Body Mass performed with the holy inside leg calipers of salvation with which Boyce impaled my flesh and from which I ascended the scales of devotion and the height stick of joy. Many notes were taken and I was then questioned closely as to my families medical history. Much was written and Boyce seemed to be in a state of grace at one point when he talked of the many facilities there was to be found in the temple and the benefits open to believers. I was given a conducted tour of the torture chamber and noted with trepidation that there were many of similar appearance to myself who where NOT having a good time.  With a comforting word of enticement concerning my future well being and happy inclusion into the saved kingdom of the thin I was released back into the wild.

More next week dear reader. 

Christmas television

Once upon a 1990s time there was BBC 1, BBC2, ITV, Channel Four and if you really wanted to push the boat out you could get a satellite dish and listen to the porn channel. I've been told that if you squinted and looked sideways at it you could maybe see a bent leg now and then? I wouldnt know of course because my neighbor got a pirate decoder from Holland and I just watched it around there. Not much to it, really the plot lines usually involved a lot of plumbers being called out to service the plumbing of some rather gaudy looking tarts in six inch heels.

There wasn't many channels back then but there was a lot of quality programs. Especially over Christmas when they really pushed the boat out and particularly on BBC you got your money's worth. Those of us old enough to remember the specials of Eric and Ernie or the Trotters will know what I mean. I have almost religiously avoided watching the endless repeats of only fools and horses just so that one day I can get the box set and watch the lot in a monster fest of TV goodies.

While I am on the subject of box sets. Rather like a bucket list of things to do when they tell you, you have some God awful terminal event on the horizon, I have a boxset list and here it is:
Only Fools and Horses
Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy and Smileys People (the old BBC series)
The West Wing
Cheers
Frasier
War Walks by Professor Ian Holmes - Just the best war historian and much missed. His program on the first battle of Mons is superb simply because, as with all good teachers, he holds ones attention. As did A.J.P Taylor before him.
Spaced and Black Book Both 1990s Channel Four quirky Comedies.
And Peter Kays Car share..

This superbly funny repeat was put on over Christmas again to fill the gaps of a frankly appallingly bad Christmas season and was as funny as the first time it was shown. Simple, superbly written and performed by two central characters who had a splendid chemistry this program was and is top of my list. I sincerely hope the Beeb will make a second series.

I thought even the films were just plain poor and you would think with the availability of some really great movies made over the last ten years, they would have been spoilt for choice. Instead they were all instantly forgettable hollywood tripe with so many special effects and explosions going off that one could have come down with PTSD by boxing day. Why they go for these block busters is beyond me, they cost a mint and the BBC and Channel four have made some great films. Guard, In Brugge, Salmon Fishing In the Yemen Etc etc.

The point is, surely if you can make a great comedy simply by putting two everyday people in a car and driving to work and back then you do not have to spend a billion dollars making a epic cinematic rendition of the end of the world! I know the Beeb has a limited budget, you can tell that by the shite they make such as Throw Down. Which and I kid you not is about competitive pottery making.. I know...I had to pinch myself.... really it is... one bloke was in tears last week when his handle fell off. We have lots and lots of these very cheap programs:
Bargain Hunt - Four people go head to head buying crap which they then sell at auction. Why? no idea.

Move to the Country - This is just a good excuse for nosy people to have a look at other folks houses while two people decided whether they wish to move from a house in Hampstead with all mod cons to a hovel in Devon with a septic tank, no gas and damp. They usually do not, funnily enough

Come dine with me - A program that is hard to define, other than it is shite. Four people try throw dinner parties at which they act or in some cases are complete idiots. They then sit around and give each other scores.

The list is endless and includes probably my favorite which is about a man who goes around looking in peoples sheds.. Recently he found a shed full of Japanese motorbikes and you would have thought it was the holy grail. So happy was he at this discovery that it overlapped into another episode. I have to confess on this one I was so surprised at just how bad it was that I almost got hooked into watching it.  This is by no means a rare event as I once sat with my Mrs for an hours watching a train going down a track just to see where it was going. It never got there and I suspect it was a loop. Other superbly bad programs of note included Tuti Fruti and Italian Program on Satellite in the 90s which was a chat show quiz where every now and then the girls in the dance troop would march on and gets their boobs out.

All very educational and edgy stuff back then. Now of course with such delights as watching failed actresses and minor celebs eating Kangaroo Testicles on prime time ITV its debatable at best and mind numbing to consider what now passes as entertainment. I just would like to spend a moment here in profound respect and sympathy for the marsupials and wild life of Australia who were forced to give up their reproductive organs for so little good reason. Surly they could have given them frankfurters to eat or turkey twizzlers. The contents are apparently the same.

In conclusion, no doubt the new year will kick off with a hundred ways to loose weight and get divorced, both are top family events following the festive season I am told.

Happy New Year Lyndy Pops

I recently fell into a minor argument with a young girl over Gay rights. Her point revolved around that old chestnut church weddings. Something I strongly disagree with. I made my point concerning the fact that the church, despite its own  sad divisions on the subject, and its rule book (the Bible) states that marriage is between man and women, to my mind, should remain that way. I then said a few other things about trans gender prisoners who cause the Prison Service hours of endless fun trying to figure out just which institution they are supposed to go to and gay rights activists who insist on insisting on everything just for the hell of it. I listened to her PC driven bullshit for a while and then told her a simple and brief story of a very dear friend now sadly dead.

When I met Lynda in the late 90s she was Flight Lieutenant Lynda Brown RAF Engineering Officer based at RAF Odiham in charge of Helicopter Engineering Support on Puma and Chinook Helicopters. She was a bony Scottish Lass with a wicked sense of humor and loved by her mainly male engineers. She played football and squash and was very popular with everyone. She only had one floor as far as the RAF at that time was concerned.. Lynda was gay. As much as poor old Lyndipops (my pet name for her) tried to fit in, and Lynda really did try, she couldnt be straight, she had not been born that way.. I used to kid her it was a terrible waste of a good pair of legs,  a loss to the male population as a whole and if she ever needed any physical re-education in order to comply with Queens regulations to simply give me a call.

Then the inevitable happened she fell in love with a female Navy Officer and got her self bounced out of the RAF. I knew of course that those were the regulations in force at the time and that the powers that be deemed gays as counter productive to unit cohesion, never mind the fact that more than one very senior officer was as bent as a nine bob note and many in the war had served with some considerable distinction. Those were the rules and out poor old Lynda had to go.  I was by this time in charge of recruitment for a company supplying engineering support to UN operations and it was with total pleasure that I sent her off to Bosnia, in charge of communications. Ironically, with a very big promotion and feather in her cap by working flawlessly. Lynda performed superbly ironically under a head of Mission who was a regular British Army General, but now under UN control and regulations. When Lynda returned to UK my company sponsored her through her MBA at Warwick. We became the best of friends and spent hours on the phone when we couldnt be together nattering about this and that. Her views on marriage and kids were simple. Marriage was for straights and churche wedding for man and women who intend to have a  familiy. Gays should have simple partnership agreements. Her argument was that gays can push things and kick up fuss, just because they can and like the attention. I bowed to her knowledge and with the way things are working out can see the wisdom of her view.

With her MBA under her belt Lyndipops next invaded the city and within a very short time was a name with the Commerce Bank in Canary Wharf and  making a bob or two. The RAF seemed a long time ago and it wasnt long before she was in another relationship with a gal and madly in love. I was there for her when it all fell apart and bless her when she decided to leave Commerce Bank and go on a holiday. I can still remember that phone call when she asked me "Im not happy with it, its bloody hard work and I cant keep it up much longer, Should I chuck it in?" I said she was more than bright enough to get a job anywhere and could do with a break. She then asked me if she should go with a group to Australia and I said "why not".

I got one email from her with a photo of her pointing at a sign to the Flinders Mountains and then the terrible sad news that she had drowned off the Great Barrier Reef when the yacht she was on floundered in a storm.

I often think of Lyndipops and she has been promoted to my guardian angel who I talk to frequently and quote freely on gay matters. It is ironic on how many straight folk, trying to be PC, seem to disagree with her views. I think i'll stick with hers for by any measure she should know. She was  hell of  a gal, superb engineer and a very very dear friend, who I miss very much.