The Archers and Woman's Hour

I cannot tell you just how much I hate two programs on my beloved BBC Radio four. The first is the Archers. This story of everyday life in the countryside according to a focus group mainly made up of Observer readers from around Hampstead Common who have absolutely no bloody idea of country life daily or otherwise.Probably the nearest they will ever get to a cow is a flat pack one from Ikea.  

Here is a typical daily dollop:

In the Archers today Kathy will have an artificially induced fit following a full body contact same sex monopoly game with her aunt Fred that goes terribly wrong. While in the cow shed blue tongue is discovered in the herd by Tom and will at last allow them all to interconnect their mobile phones in lower loxley.

Meanwhile in the Dog and Gusset Old Brian Bog will be worzelling incoherently about his new John Deer 4x4 drive mega-thrasher to no one in particular. While his mother in law Peggy is sobbing uncontrollably in the corner due to recently being de-housed due to a forced land clearance sale imposed by the new chief bad ass Micheal Turd the new owner of Bottom Farm. Her husband Eddy will be trying to sell a new cure for Ebola that he discovered while drinking his way through the late Lords Forskins wine cellar, that he broke into while trying to avoid working on the top field...Presumably located adjacent to bottom field.

Over on Milldew Acres Maphanwe Humpbacked Wale is stirring the shit over her cousin Bilbo Humbacked Wale who has been black balled by the Ladies fox hunting and choral all year round pond hopping society winter ball commune and floral group. This may or may not have something to do with Madrigal Spencer-Preambles recent hysterical outburst at the sunday fete concerning her husband coming out of the closet and running off with Maphanwe's niece Cuthbert a post op transexually challenged artificial insemination technician on the lamb from the Min of Ag and Fish.

Lucinda Prior-Fortitude and her Mother Principle are meanwhile coming back over High Fell when they encounter turbulence caused by a dodgy welk and ale pie in Bridlington. The car is blown off the road onto its roof accompanied by their screams as the bloody awful theme tune plays denoting thankfully an end to todays bi-daily torture.






The second and probably the more dire program comes on at ten of the morning and like the Archers is repeated of a weekend just in case you needed a top of of gloom, it is of course Woman's Hour.

Presented by these to lovelies this hour of constant moaning is driven by a intense dislike of men and promotes everything from litigation to outright physical harm towards the male gender for anything from double parking to your actual birth. Further fun can be had on such diverse topics as:

How to Sue your father for late development of cancer of the womb.
How to promote greater gender awareness through role play..or, How to wear trousers in bed.
How to practice for that all important midlife crisis.
Early onset bingo wings.
How to feel dreadful about putting your Mother in a home.
HRT the way ahead.
Botox as a life choice
What to do with the surplus chins after a stomach band operation.
A thousand things you should know about and hold against the average male.
Chlamydia for beginners
Kate Aide as a role model.
Choosing a safety word for that all important first S&M lesbian encounter.
Dogging for beginners.
Nipple rash for the over 80s and how to avoid bed sores.
How to kill any outbreak of fun at your family Christmas dinner and make everyone feel obliged to you for getting up a four in the morning to stuff the goose.
How to stuff a goose.
Why the traffic regulations in force are blatantly balanced against female drivers.
How to look at milk and make it go stale.
Covering up flatulence at bridge parties.

All these and more are the daily fair of these two laugh a minute paragons of female charm. I try to flip over to Ken Bruce but every now and then forget and they drip into my brain with their monotone voices. Its usually about 10 minutes before the onset of actual shrinking of my testicles takes place and a lowering of my happiness level indicates to me that all is not well. If left unchecked, by say another ten minutes exposure, permanent damage can be done and at the very least I may start thinking about waxing my top lip or entering bake off.

Gentlemen you have been warned.