Diet Madness

As you are probably aware with half the globe starving to death the latest craze in the well to do west is to starve yourself and avoid censure by the fat police, for fat is the new smoking it would seem. To be slim is the new Holy Grail and has naturally spawned a plethora of fancy diets and contraptions to aid the reduction of your arse, gut, chins or whatever plagues you. It is now a Billion Pound Industry and up there with the top ten fatuous items most wanted by a pampered over paid generation is to be thin.  You can join as many gyms as you like, as long as you never want to end the direct debit you take out to pay for the annual subscription. Or, get a personal trainer to beat you up, go to a hundred things to do vigorously in a swimming pool or jive your tits off with a lot of out of breath sweating people in the local village hall. OR, you can join a fat club.

Yes the Fat Club that delight of those who love a bit of public adulation or ridicule dependent on whether or not they stayed within their digitally predicted weekly points target. We all know that the real diet freak is a holier than thou masochist above all else and there is no bigger diet masochist than those who attend Fat Clubs. One has to be a devout masochist  to put up with the almost religious devotion to the rigors laid down in the rules. Indeed it really is no big jump for those of a religious bent to supplicate themselves upon the weekly alter scales of mercy, adhere and memorize the ten commandments of the diet sheet and bask in the glory of the holy of holy;s "extra points" given to those who abstain from the sin of carbs. Those of a religious nature, or the easily led can do well at fat club and this week I was most fortunate to meet one who in years to come may end up the first Saint of Slimmers World. There is not a week goes by where this individual does not bless the rest of us with her Wednesday sermon on how much she has lost this week. With humble almost supplicant posture she will tell us of her "bubble" apparently a place in which her weight must dwell and joy is unconfined when she has hit her target weight. I swear she may reach orgasm if she actually dies of a slimming condition or complications from mall nourishment before the year is out.

However, today was by anyones standards a trip into la la land, when I saw Saint Twiggy all dressed up to the nines and asked her from twix she had come or twas going? To this she replied she had been and I urge you to brace yourself here......to....."the annual slimming world Christmas food tasting party". I.... kid you not......"the annual Slimming World Food Tasting Christmas Party"..........Ill be brief here as I still have to try hard to not piss myself laughing.............. erm.......

So having digested (no pun intended) this mind shattering information I pondered a while and concluded that so well have the people that run these frauds become at fleecing their pilgrims they are now actually having Christmas parties at which you can only taste the food and I mean like lick a prawn or sniff a pig in its festive blanket. Nice one.... I should buy shares with these boys..... the bastards.....I mean that really is cutting down on the over heads right. 30 people sniffing the same prawn...talk about maximise your profits.. . I thought wine parties where you spat out the wine were pushing it, but this is beyond anything even a completely certifiable idiot would endure.. Only a dieter/religious fanatic would fall for it. Imagine, 30 people in party frocks in a hall decorated with Christmas decorations all licking a cream cracker and having.....Fun?

What next, no contact consensual sex, Basket ball for the blind? Pole vaulting for ducks. I mean the list is endless. You just have to be a moron really and BELIEVE above all Believe. I guess the point is, it helps to have faith and it helps to be easily led. It helps.. Yeah it helps get you fleeced.  Food tasting.. PLEASE!!!


!