News roundup

I was taken to the cleaners today by Faith at Dominoes. She is a hustler and her game improved markedly when we started to play for money. My favorite pubs fish and chips has been ruined. They now serve the chips in a chip bucket, fish comes in a gouchy paper wrapper that one has no clue what to do with. I hate pubs that do that and put the peas in a small dish. Just lump it all on a plate and im sure I can muddle through.

Its like gastro pubs that do small portions on big plates. You know  the sort of place, you enter and its all sage green and stripped wood, eye candy waitress, black leggins, white blouse, gingham pinny, hair braided named Jasmin or Lou Lou in flat pumps. Shes slumming it from Uni and has a boyfriend named Jasper who is doing a degree in fine art history. Lou Lou/Jasmin is at Oxbridge doing a degree in  pre raphaelite social mediocrity and pan galatic aramaric archetecture. You natter for 30 seconds about her new "Like WOW" Vauxhall Adam called Dimples with  its blue toothed double ipod lipstick holder and optional brakes and stare at the menu and La Special oft le tag with sinking heart and thinking.. Ohhh shit here we go. Chef has just left Grimsby University of fine arts with a double BA in BS and a new sabatier knife set from Ikea:

Starters.
Monrovian Medey with aspargus frap finger bowl soup.
Main
Caucasian Wild Hog cheeks pomalade avec champions der flombe combustion. Choice of Vegitables to serve.
desseeertz
Nordic Caramel Fromage in Herring sauce. crackers extra!
glass of prune juice or house Muscadet de Dieppe 2012 Cabinet projectile 4 star.

£89.98 Incl Vat

Rather have a bacon sandwich and a bucket of tea in a chipped bucket to be honest.


My mate Dex the hole digger is in his element at the moment with holes to dig and fill all over the county. Dex had bird flew which left him with half a liver and more complications than heathrow airports new runway.  I met him yesterday and he reports he had a discussion with the Doctor who now has informed him he is photo sensitive. Dex being Dex replied "What the F...ks then now Im that scared of cameras am I". She said he had to stay out of direct sunlight between 11 and 3 pm. Now we call him  Creature of the night and the Count.  I saw him in his digger wearing violet lennon glasses. I made the sign of the cross as I drove by. Love that lad. he should be dead six times over, but he is having far too much fun to conk out.. Too many hole and too little time. Dex is living the dream.

Another dear friend in Belgium reports she has a rather nice patchwork arse after falling in the bath on top of the light bulb she was about to put in her Mothers Bathroom. She is a French or Walloon and rang me to complain of boredom through being off work with a stitches in her belle fond and bored of watching the French version of Judge Pinder/Rinder whatever.So, now I get regular updates on a Walloons arse. Couldnt make it up could you!

I got the electric dog clippers out today, dog took one look at them and beat it. So, after calling operation round up Faith and I gave the dog a hair cut. He now looks marginally better although a bit like he has had an argument with a lawnmower. But, it had to be, as he has been black listed by the local dog groomers for being a menace.Tomorrow if my car isnt sitting a a pool of brake fluid after my having the brakes fixed at one of those places where the ha ha ha "mechanics" have a level three NVQ in paper folding and tie wrapology, das hound is going in for a teeth clean..

I think I must have a warped sense of humor. Last night I went to the pictures with a Kath and saw Inferno the new film with Tom Hanks. I got my coffee and sat down to watch having been told it was a good book. Well, its began fairly ish and I was getting marginally interested when one of the funniest lines I think I have heard in a film was shouted. The scene in question = Tom Hanks and his Lady friend are on the run and being tracked by government spooks of some kind. A black van with the usual black clothed SWAT team  pulls up outside Hanks hide away. Out jumps the heavily armed Swat Team and kick the door in. Guns at the ready one shouts "World Health Organisation Freeze". That did it. I nearly wet myself. Not a titter from anyone else. Kath said You alright?" I managed a cough. This was then topped in the final scene when a least five people are having a rediculous punch up in a 2 foot deep pond with a symphony orchestra in/on it. One even drowned I think - probably the lead violin. Naturally this gave Kath the vapors as she suffers from Hydraphobia. All in all an entertaining night.

Scary times in the world right now. More fascim on the rise in this and other countries along with the wire fences going back up. I hear Lithuania has just elected an anti migration government! As the world population increases, tribal and religious wars expand, resources run out we can expect a rather bad century to unfold.
Apparently now the Russians are replacing their Satan ICBM missiles with Satan 2. Bascially a super imporved cillit bang verson of the Satan One. You drop one of these new bad boys on New York and hey presto 7 million dead a 4 million injured. On Uk and thats Essex gone.. Is that a bad thing? Yes it is anyway why would you want to drop it on anyone.. Even Essex..... Why? World has gone mad again. MAD in the cold war stood for Mutually Assured Destruction.. Really.. Crazy world aint it folks.

Answer on a postcard please to:

Me
Small slate mine somewhere near Snowdon in North Wales (ish)
Bring your own bin bags and shovel.

Now to something nicer. this weeks Awwwwwwwwe Picture.. I want a tabby cat like this . I really do..By golly I bet it take a lot of felix to feed it mind you. I think Ill call mine.........Beatrix..Can you imagine. Ohh have you met Beatrix.. Here kitty kitty.

Look at the paws on that puddy cat...