A briefing document on Syria updated 30th October 2016: Now Do try and keep up:

Imagine your 14 or 15 and have been set the Middle East as some kind of home work. Here is my attempt:
  

President Assad of Syria (who was good) is now a nasty guy who got nasty after his people rebelled for reasons no one can remember now. All anyone can recall is that Syria was a nice place and now is not and the Rebels (who are good) started winning after Assad tried to gas them and in doing so walked over President Obaman who was a red line in the sand.

But then some of the rebels fighting Assad turned a bit nasty after a previous punch up with a bunch of Sunni Nut jobs in Iraq who had been fighting UK and the USA (remember that war) which was bad, but we have forgotten about that, because we lost... Ok?  So,  the bad guys formed IS/Daersh or similar which  is an oil company (who are definitely bad) and some other folks in Iraq continued to support democracy (who are still good) and now  are fighting IS in Syria over the oil in Iraq.. Yeah crazy eh!

So, anyway yeah the Americans (who are good) started bombing Islamic State (who are bad) and giving arms to the Syrian Rebels (who are good) so they could fight Assad (who is still bad) which is good and on even days fight IS Oil Plc who are crazy. 

By the way, there is a breakaway state in the north of somewhere or other run by the Curds (who are good and who want to fight IS) - (which is a good thing),, But they also want to fight Turkey and the Turkish think they are bad, so we have to say they are bad whilst secretly thinking they're good and giving them guns to fight IS and the Turks as long as they keep it shut about that.. right,  (which is good) but what freaks me out is that there is two Curdistans sort of. and I dont know which is which. Erm Ish.....I think... Yeah? Sorry, I mean Kurds is it?

Getting back to Syria. President Putin (bad, as he invaded Crimea and the Ukraine and killed lots of folks including that nice Russian man in London with a poisoned polonium sausage) has decided to back Assad (who is still bad) but they say they are attacking IS (who are also bad) which is sort of a good thing?

But, Putin (still bad) thinks the Syrian Rebels (who are good) are also bad, and so he bombs them too. Much to the annoyance of the Americans (who are good) and who are busy backing and arming the rebels (who are also good) so they can attack the Syrians and any Russians when they aint bombing IS and being good. 
 
Now Iran (who used to be bad, but not now they have agreed not to build any nuclear weapons and bomb Israel are now good) are supporting Assad (still mostly bad) as are the Russians (bad but good when they attack IS) for reasons that completely bloody escape me and I suspect that makes them........erm good ish.Sorry Im getting a head ache.

So a Coalition of Assad (still bad) Putin (extra bad) and the Iranians (good, but in a bad sort of way) are going to attack IS (who are bad) which is a good, but also the Syrian Rebels (who are good) which is bad and who are being armed and have US troops with them which is erm......................good. 

Now the British (obviously good) and the Americans (also good) cannot attack Assad (still bad) for fear of upsetting Putin (bad) and Iran (good / bad) and now they have to accept that Assad might not be that bad after all compared to IS (who are super bad).

So Assad (bad) is now probably good, being better than IS (no real choice there) and since Putin and Iran are also fighting IS that may now make them good. America (still good) will find it hard to arm a group of rebels being attacked by the Russians for fear of upsetting Mr Putin (now good) and that mad Ayatollah in Iran (also now good) and so they may be forced to say that the Rebels are now bad, or at the very least abandon them to their fate. This will lead most of them to flee to Turkey and on to Europe or join ISEco petroleum Co Europe (still the only constantly bad group) and attack us for being confused, which is Bad..
 
Now things get a bit fuzzy... Sunni Muslims from somwhere near Iraq, are still attacking Shia Muslims in Iraq and everyone is attacking each other for reasons I dont get around some place called Mosul,  but it spills out all over the place and most of Iraq is worse than down town Luton on an average night and is probably good or bad depending on who is arming them..ish.  

Back in Syria (remember that?) we have America (now good and bad) and Britain (also good and bad) providing limited support to Sunni Rebels (bad) many of whom are looking to IS (bad) for support against Assad (now good) who, along with Iran (also good) and Putin (also, now, unbelievably, good ) are attempting to retake the country Assad used to run before all this started by bombing civilians and anyone else who may be good or bad?

Meanwhile er.... Israel is doing what it always does and will nuke the first one who upsets it... Good or Bad!

I hope that this clears it all up for you? Naturally the problems in Libya have been excluded from this for clarity. Basically GhadaffiDuck and Blair decided it would be a good idea if they had a spring clean and it all went a bit Pete Tongue. Now everything in Libya is deemed for planning purposes as BAD. 

Ohh and Saudi Arabia is bombing Yemen because it can and has lots of bombs and aircraft provided by UK with is good for jobs right? 

Homage to Alan Bennett

I could swear it was mid july when the first snows of winter lay thick upon my Aunt Kates eiderdown when I first noticed I had chicken pox. The concomitant medication I was taking for my hiatus hernia was effecting my oboe practice and making me giddy on the tram. Mother could see I was vexated and gave me a horlix and malt bread poultice that night after my weekly bath and mint kendle enema. My sister Susan came home early from her shift in the marmite shaft due to an attack of the NUMs. Having abluted she reported it was obvious that only a good rubbing down with the Morecombe times and brasso would eleviate the sticking ball cock in the outside privy and Thora Herd and myself set to with a will. 

Mother was shovelling jam for all she was worth as the sun went down over the asbestos factory and my father, a dour man of some 50 summers came home from his days labour at the Pig and Whistle Public Librairy and sauna for the mute. A big lad was our Dad, Laughlingly he gave us a sharp slap with his belt and felled our Susan with a friendly upper cut that would have been the pride of our Enry and no arguments "Eeeeee what a tooo dooo" he said as he fetched mother one before puttin on the home service to get his asparagus forecast. I sadly played my Oboe in the corner with Susan ont spoons.

Yesterday I had to take my car to have a simple job performed:

Swop one tyre for the spare

Check fluids

Wash car. 

As this seemed not beyond the gift of man I took it to a Tyre outlet in my local area. There I sat while a youngish lad and recently qualified (according to his certificate proudly displayed on the office wall) in the black art of swopping tyres perfomed his magic. 

Some hours later it appeared our hero had done his bit and walked in to the office with that clicking tongue and deep inhale of breath that says "brace yourself its going to cost". He said "yer back wheel brake cylinders leaking Mester". £80 later I left with a job I could have done for £18 - the cost of the cylinder. 

However, all seemed fair and so shops visited,  I parked up at home for the night. Imagine my dismay this morning when I went out and found a pool of brake fluid on the drive. So, without collecting £200 or passing Go, I went back to Tyres Are (But break Cylinders obviously arent) US. 

There I cornered our recent Pupil of the Grimsby School of Automotive and Pitza Technology and enquired as to his specialisation.. "was it Tie Wrapology" I said 

Had he not heard of spanners and the law that says;  righty tighty sodding lefty loosey? He blanched and set too with a will while I negotiated a reduction in his labour cost.

I wouldnt mind but this is all due to the other day while out and about I stuck my front nearside wheel into the pot hole from hell and bust the tyre and knocked off the wheel aligment. That cost a new trye and £40 quid to sort. But, of course that wasnt the only damage. As I found when I tried to drive it the other night to the cinema. The poor thing was wobbling all over the place and pulling left. So back to the garage for another attempt at getting the poor wee car to perform a simple straight line. I suspect a bent track rod or:

No doubt more to follow on this one.

News roundup

I was taken to the cleaners today by Faith at Dominoes. She is a hustler and her game improved markedly when we started to play for money. My favorite pubs fish and chips has been ruined. They now serve the chips in a chip bucket, fish comes in a gouchy paper wrapper that one has no clue what to do with. I hate pubs that do that and put the peas in a small dish. Just lump it all on a plate and im sure I can muddle through.

Its like gastro pubs that do small portions on big plates. You know  the sort of place, you enter and its all sage green and stripped wood, eye candy waitress, black leggins, white blouse, gingham pinny, hair braided named Jasmin or Lou Lou in flat pumps. Shes slumming it from Uni and has a boyfriend named Jasper who is doing a degree in fine art history. Lou Lou/Jasmin is at Oxbridge doing a degree in  pre raphaelite social mediocrity and pan galatic aramaric archetecture. You natter for 30 seconds about her new "Like WOW" Vauxhall Adam called Dimples with  its blue toothed double ipod lipstick holder and optional brakes and stare at the menu and La Special oft le tag with sinking heart and thinking.. Ohhh shit here we go. Chef has just left Grimsby University of fine arts with a double BA in BS and a new sabatier knife set from Ikea:

Starters.
Monrovian Medey with aspargus frap finger bowl soup.
Main
Caucasian Wild Hog cheeks pomalade avec champions der flombe combustion. Choice of Vegitables to serve.
desseeertz
Nordic Caramel Fromage in Herring sauce. crackers extra!
glass of prune juice or house Muscadet de Dieppe 2012 Cabinet projectile 4 star.

£89.98 Incl Vat

Rather have a bacon sandwich and a bucket of tea in a chipped bucket to be honest.


My mate Dex the hole digger is in his element at the moment with holes to dig and fill all over the county. Dex had bird flew which left him with half a liver and more complications than heathrow airports new runway.  I met him yesterday and he reports he had a discussion with the Doctor who now has informed him he is photo sensitive. Dex being Dex replied "What the F...ks then now Im that scared of cameras am I". She said he had to stay out of direct sunlight between 11 and 3 pm. Now we call him  Creature of the night and the Count.  I saw him in his digger wearing violet lennon glasses. I made the sign of the cross as I drove by. Love that lad. he should be dead six times over, but he is having far too much fun to conk out.. Too many hole and too little time. Dex is living the dream.

Another dear friend in Belgium reports she has a rather nice patchwork arse after falling in the bath on top of the light bulb she was about to put in her Mothers Bathroom. She is a French or Walloon and rang me to complain of boredom through being off work with a stitches in her belle fond and bored of watching the French version of Judge Pinder/Rinder whatever.So, now I get regular updates on a Walloons arse. Couldnt make it up could you!

I got the electric dog clippers out today, dog took one look at them and beat it. So, after calling operation round up Faith and I gave the dog a hair cut. He now looks marginally better although a bit like he has had an argument with a lawnmower. But, it had to be, as he has been black listed by the local dog groomers for being a menace.Tomorrow if my car isnt sitting a a pool of brake fluid after my having the brakes fixed at one of those places where the ha ha ha "mechanics" have a level three NVQ in paper folding and tie wrapology, das hound is going in for a teeth clean..

I think I must have a warped sense of humor. Last night I went to the pictures with a Kath and saw Inferno the new film with Tom Hanks. I got my coffee and sat down to watch having been told it was a good book. Well, its began fairly ish and I was getting marginally interested when one of the funniest lines I think I have heard in a film was shouted. The scene in question = Tom Hanks and his Lady friend are on the run and being tracked by government spooks of some kind. A black van with the usual black clothed SWAT team  pulls up outside Hanks hide away. Out jumps the heavily armed Swat Team and kick the door in. Guns at the ready one shouts "World Health Organisation Freeze". That did it. I nearly wet myself. Not a titter from anyone else. Kath said You alright?" I managed a cough. This was then topped in the final scene when a least five people are having a rediculous punch up in a 2 foot deep pond with a symphony orchestra in/on it. One even drowned I think - probably the lead violin. Naturally this gave Kath the vapors as she suffers from Hydraphobia. All in all an entertaining night.

Scary times in the world right now. More fascim on the rise in this and other countries along with the wire fences going back up. I hear Lithuania has just elected an anti migration government! As the world population increases, tribal and religious wars expand, resources run out we can expect a rather bad century to unfold.
Apparently now the Russians are replacing their Satan ICBM missiles with Satan 2. Bascially a super imporved cillit bang verson of the Satan One. You drop one of these new bad boys on New York and hey presto 7 million dead a 4 million injured. On Uk and thats Essex gone.. Is that a bad thing? Yes it is anyway why would you want to drop it on anyone.. Even Essex..... Why? World has gone mad again. MAD in the cold war stood for Mutually Assured Destruction.. Really.. Crazy world aint it folks.

Answer on a postcard please to:

Me
Small slate mine somewhere near Snowdon in North Wales (ish)
Bring your own bin bags and shovel.

Now to something nicer. this weeks Awwwwwwwwe Picture.. I want a tabby cat like this . I really do..By golly I bet it take a lot of felix to feed it mind you. I think Ill call mine.........Beatrix..Can you imagine. Ohh have you met Beatrix.. Here kitty kitty.

Look at the paws on that puddy cat...

Weekly wash up

Its nice to have a natter and shoot the breeze with the average joe in the street. The older I get the easier it is to engage in conversation with people. I suppose looking like a mildly qualified village idiot helps. I never was one for fashion and totally detest shopping of any kind, particularly cloth shopping. I simply go on-line and order two of the same trousers, shoes, socks, shirts, jumpers and thats me done for the year. So, bad is my hatred of food and general shopping that I would get the milk delivered by mail if I could.

I was in the church last week using the mobile post office. We were all sat waiting for our turn when Pat sat next to me. Pat used to be a Headmistress at our local Sec Mod and is about the same age as me. Pat had been a Primary School teacher for many years and loved the wee ones, but things had go wrong when she moved to Secondary Education attracted by the higher pay and promotion.

At first she enjoyed the challenges that older children bring and felt she was making an improvement in their young lives. But, as time went on and Society changed, so did the children and Pat grew cynical along with her class. However, Pat persisted and made the jump to Head Mistress becoming more sanguine about Government interference in the form of targets and ever changing "new" syllabi and the mess that education has become in this country for no better reason than Governement loves to mess with it, simply because it can.

Then one day the camel met the last straw in the shape of a child Pat thought of as the nearest thing to the missing link in Darwinian theory. A temporary Teacher was trying to teach her class long division. All hell broke loose as she asked, lets call him Danny, a part of the problem. Up went his table and back went his chair as he cracked off with a stream of invective and spleen that can only be learnt in some of our more basic housing stock. So bad was the language and behaviour of our Danny that the poor Temp hit the panic button.

Pat was wondering around the corridors and heard the row and quietly slid in the class room door. This calmed down the riot, children went back to their places and the Temp breathed a sigh of relief. Pat sat down and with authority of many years said to the the young Danny, "what is you problem young man" he replied "Who the fuck cares if 10 goes into 6 three times, its fucking boring" Pat calmly said "interesting I can see that you and division may end up strangers for life, take the day off Danny, infact take the week off. Infact lets both take the week off" and with that she walked out wrote her resignation, took early retirement and put ten years back on her life.

I guess its not very often that you would expect to read something more contradictory than an estranged husband display pride in his ex wife! But it is with some pride that I got this photo from my ex. Its is of some kids providing food for those in need in London. It is typical of my ex to take the time to show interest in something that most folk in London would be only too happy to ignore. However, it would not be the first time she has taken time to give encouragement and listen to those less fortuanate than herself. 

For many years now she has run a childrens charity which this year alone helped 3000 families effected by having a child affected by brain injury. Nice one. I am very proud of you, you have a good heart and it does you credit. xxx

If Syria was the only problem Doris!

Well, since the first crusade its hard to find a time when the Middle East was not having a fight over religeon, tribal or the price of fish. It seems to be in the DNA of the place. Mind you thats the same for anywhere in this still very Tribal World.  But lets stay with Syria for a speel.  Fast forward to now and the fallout of the Arab Spring (whatever that was - and many will tell  you) and he fiasco of Libya, I guess Syria is just another civil war we have discussed at considerable length. Naturally so screwed up is the whole middle east that it is now the bastion of as many conspiracy theories as it is fact for its current sad state.

Naturally Russian expansionism has its part to play. Putin - ever the GRU Colonel looks to expand his empire. And that makes perfect sense. For now with his hold on the main port of Ukerane and practical access to the black sea and from there access to the med. Naturally its only any good if her can negotiate the Bosporus and distabilising Turkey seems to be going splendidly. He of course is going for those twin dreams of Peter the great. Control of the Baltic and Med. In the Baltic he has placed short ranged Nukes on Kalingrad, increased submarine and aircraft activity around the region to an alarming rate which has put the wind up the Baltic states and Scandinavia. So much so that NATO has put a Baltic Air Patrol on active response footing. So, no change in Russia and back to the cold war, the war they love best.

In Syria, Obamas red line in the sand being a total joke in Syria now has emboldened the Kremlin to back Assad. Aim to control the main ports of Syria and build their first true base in the med. Directly opposite Cyprus. It is a very big dog pissing on Nato's trees. No more no less and because of a myriad failed attempts and incurrsions into the middle east public oppinion and the woeful state of our and Nato's armed forces means they will get away with it. Daesh, ISIS or as I like to call them a bunch of mad murdering scum continues to play at statehood and will do so while half the players are more intent on settling religious divides based on which prophet you like than fighting Isis. Kurdish YPG no doubt backed by KPandG will look after their little bit of land and I hope someday get a Kurdishtan state. They deserve it. Good luck to them, they are doing a fine job of looking after their own. Shame about Turkey mind.. but hey you cant beat and old foe for a good scrap can you and if anyone has good reason to hate Turkey its the Kurds and Armenians. Hey what Genocide?

Naturally, as with every other war its the poor bloody women and children who suffer. In this case that leads to more strain on a world with donor fatigue meaning even I would rather watch something else on TV. Plus lets face it every country now since the Berlin  Wall came down has its own tribal and ethnic problems and leads to more fences going up, more isolationism and less welcome for those who most need it.

To make it even more of a International Cluster Fuck we have a moribund UN and the EU in crisis having discoverd that its a pretty good trading club, but an appallingly bad actual political european union and its joint foreign policy efforts bloody hopeless at best and more the problem than the cure at worst.

Of course expanding the view to a global one we have China gearing up to take on all commers in the south china seas and beyond. Japan looking a bit pale and North Korea being Nort Korean.

Nearer home half of Africa is now a failed continent and the population on the move to better pickings thanks to years of being propped up by the first world. Most Africans are now incapable of doing anything knowing if they do they might jeopardise the supply of second hand Nike trainers and football shirts. Likewise the leaders of half the countries could find a cash flow problem and have to invade the private Swiss Accounts to afford to re-plate the gold bath. Me Cynical? You bet. Seen it and was in the video.

All this with the Worlds Policeman (you know the one that has a war in order to learn Geography) is having and erection sorry election to find the best sex pest to put in the white house. Can you imagine the staff must be soo looking forward to being fired at/by Trump or the smell of Bills cigars in their Oval Office again! Lovely, if it was a film or a book you would switch over or chuck it in the bin. Hillary or Trump..... As Potus. Sorry Pointless.

Whats to do then? I am buggered if I know. I usually am a fairly pragmatic kind of chap and if I think about something long enough I can kind of get at least sanguine about it. But this world, here and now, is very much on the brink of getting seriously messed up. I mean very seriously indeed. There are sober people of fair mind who say it has already started.I think that may be a bit OTT. but only a bit mind you.

You could say that its 1937 and Hitler has his mind set on Czechoslovakia but we dont have a Churchill in the wings!

I hope NATO can keep up at least the right posture even if the British Army has less soldiers than a capacity crowd at Wembly! Like I said scary times. As someone wiser than me said "I pray for peace and prepare for war" Queitly not a bad idea.. Sadly!

Have a nice weekend.

The arrogance of youth

“The young man pities his elders, fearing the day he, too, will join their ranks. The elderly man pities the younger generation, well-knowing the trials and tribulations that lie ahead of them.” And never was it more so than with a generation bred to intitlement and doomed to suffer realism sooner than they think. Middle class, spoilt and only able to survive first world problems of cold water in the showers with massive psychiatric support. They moan continually about the elderly, who should be done away with, even though they paid for their parents education and now their offspring, as well as probably their own. It amazes me that kids do not "get" the fact that we all pay for each other via taxation. My Father paid for a massive baby boom in the 50/60s and I paid for my kids education. Its swings and round abouts. BUT, Generation X box have it far worse of course because of the huge amount of old folks gumming up the housing stock.

Its one of those Pedestrian arguments. Pedestrians and Cyclists hate Motorists and yet five minutes after they get off their bike they are motorists!

                                                                     Key Board Skill Now (ish)
I had a tiff with a kid today who said "Ohh you old buggers you always had it worse than us". Well yes we did. I was born in a slum along with two other brothers in a brass bed. We had a cold tap, no hot and shared an outside loo. People died of things back then you would have enquiry about now! I remember a time before Computers when the railways worked rather well considering it was analogue, we built lots of lovely things like Minis and Etypes and people could get a job with just the skill of their hands.

                                     Keyboard skills slightly before my time but you get the idea
Many did and brought up families without central heating and child obesity was unheard of. We didnt come down with PTSD if we were refused a tatoo and Mother didnt burst into tears if her offspring didnt have the latest Iphone before they could walk Not many of us went to "Uni" or needed to and you wouldnt be stolen and sold into child sexual serfdom if you played football in the street or went off all day picking up conkers. Indeed, I couldnt believe the generation gap in our village. One old gal and I out for a walk the other day noted how many conkers there were on the ground. "never happen in my day". she said picking up an obvious fiftty fourer.

 My Dad was no fool and I well remember him telling me that computers would bugger up the world and make us all unemployed. As a case in point the first pay as you fill petrol pumps put out of work 36000 petrol pump attendants in this country. World wide??? Even though I sit on one now and can see the good things it has brought I cannot help but hate them for the sadness they have brought. I hate them for bringing the end to a life that was simple and easier for normal people to get a simple job, plan a family and provide a simple secure future. Computers killed the Carpenter, Tool Fitter, Lath Operator and a thousand and one other trades that belonged to a happier much more forfilling time. And in that I agree with the children of today. They have little chance to have a forfilling life now. They will probably never know the thrill of making a living from the simple sweat on ones brow and the industry of ones own hands. Further, because they want so much they will never know that simple love and harmony with those around you is the best of all and costs so little. For they know the cost of everthing but the value of very little it seems.

I know how appalling. A child behind bars being taunted with offal. I very glad we have moved on to more informed times now. Talking of things gone by I thought today I would take a wonder through Youtube for some of my favorite clips. So, here without further ado are your cut and paste treats for the day:

Eric and Ernie first:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GgrQhewSjb4

Ohh just find out for yourselves:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1BxFlmb6S6E

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZDKF8KkD7rE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gou1cspUfdY

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xXxoq75CkBo

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=18JmieM8SFc

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tShsE98II94

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wrJHzpaxMOQ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=amLX29w0424

That should put a smile back on your faces.. Just one more..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nu05-YFmBbg

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M1F0lBnsnkE

Have a nice day.

Hugs Fred!

Blatherwyck En-Crout Weekly Parish Gazette Week Ending 5th ocober 2016

Please forward any items you wish to be published at least one Tuesday before the next Thursday unless Wednesday is earlier in which case thats fine. We are particularly interested in any stories concerning village life and of course events etc. So, without further ado:

Weekly round up;
The Girl Guides report a splendid time was had by all at the recent Spring Bring and Buy Jam and Cake special. The Pack Leader Marge Margarine reports "for the first time we sold slightly more than we ate (ha ha) and only three Guides were hospitalised" Well done Marge!

The Blathewyck Photography Club reports a considerable increase this year of activity by its junior club. Everyone in the village must be aware of the activities of William Tagger and his box brownie. 
William has taken to photography like a duck to orange sauce and his efforts are becoming the talk of the club. William and his brother Tom work together with notable success and a selection of their work is to be forwarded to the authorities in due course. 

The ladies cross country basket chase has once again brought glory to Blatherwyck this year coming a glorious 54th in the trans Yorkshire Dales Dash last Tuesday. Hadretta Hunicombe-Bumble  reports; "the gals did a splendid job in overalls and particularly in the hurdles phase. Sandra Wombleton-Crashvest, Prunella Custard and Bunty Butterball (in the basket) took a first at the catch the clay pigeon event. Plucky Lilly Wendleberry-Worthington gave it her all when her basket sank mid stream at the river crossing and unfortunately was declared lost causing a by-election in Sutton on sea. All in all a most commendable effort by all concerned. The team would like to thank all of you who came and supported them"

All those who have been concerned at the plight of the Moongoose family may be relieved at the news that the four sisters have now been placed in care.  

Weekly events:
Laughter for life:

 

Thursday next 7.30 pm Village Hall, Wendy Hump-Gently will be holding her - now highly popular - laughter class for ladies. Please remember you incontinents pads ladies. 

The partially sighted rifel club has been cancelled until further notice after the unfortunate death of the instructor last week. Denbyshire Constabulary fire arms unit have disarmed the class and the armed siege is over. 

Births Marriages and Deaths
Births:
On a bike suddenly.. Mary Whateveridge-Parsley last wednesday Luckily Mary was wearing bicycle clips. 

Marriages:
Mary Whateveridge-Parsley to AN Other  private party at Bendbridge Registry Office. 

Deaths:
Sasdly at home following a short illness Mrs Edwina Stoke-Fumbler nee Trouser Stroke.. Cremation at sea.

    

Hair Force

Well chaps I suppose it comes to us all. The older I get the longer it is taking to wash my face. Ive thought of "syrup" but to be honest I would look a burk, or at least a bigger burk than I look already. I was talking to a mate the other day and she remarked at how lovely my hair USED to be! I thanked her for her considered view and wepted deep inside at had once been. I think the saddest part for me is the evendential remains of a few strands still attached to the top of my swede that become visable is certain light conditions. Brave souls that they are, they resist the urge of flight inflicted upon their once many friends now demised by time. Still, as with love it is better to have had hair than never to have had any.. I guess. Sad though reader, it really was a nice head of hair. Im the chap in the middle aged 18.. Ahhh bless him! If only he knew then what I know now!!!

Yes I remember him well Which in todays musings brings me onto my next blurb:

Why do the British Government continue to rely on four nuclear armed submarines to guard us when at the same time running down the RAF to its lowest ebb since its inception in 1918? Why would the Army be outnumbered by a capacity crowd at Wembley? What could be the point of a all fur coat and no knickers submarine force that in no way could help in the isometric form of warfare we are currently called to fight. what use is spending a quarter of the defence budget on a system that is all but useless in fighting the wars we may face. If we need nuclear weapons then there are cheaper options and we may even be able then to afford some maritime patrol aircraft and not have to ask the Norwegian Air Force to go and have a look see if there are any Russian Subs in our waters. Is it the Chiefs of Staff or the Ministry of Defence again at fault. Are they not telling Ministers that really they are the cheifs of sod all! If you were to ask me (as an vet of some 22 odd years service) what I would like, it would be a lot more infantry please..

Do I want four nuke submarines....Cant see the point if we have (as has now been stated by a service chief) we do not have enough conventional forces to even protect the home islands. Not only does this mean we would have to used Nuclear Weapons to make up for inadequate conventional forces, but the government is now culpable and failed in it prime purpose: the defence of the realm.

My favorite PC story this week concerns a Typhoon air defence pilot who has cost the state £8 million pounds to train (there are more astronauts than Typhoon Pilots) and is the first female pilot to become qualified.. She is on maternity leave...... ! I bet her Squadron Commander is doing his nut quietly.. Nothing like good timing is there. 

Blatherwick News

                        Blatherwick en Crout Village Newsletter week ending 27th May 2016: 

Parish news: 
This sunday (the first after extension week) is Oak Wednesday in the Gregarian calender and the last before the next one. Please note; The very Rev Parsnip Wombleton Bladderblast will be in attendance for the week. Pets are welcome. 

All those wishing to have thier extensions blessed are to do so. A small donation can be made next to the font. Please ensure your planning application has been viewed prior to the blessing. Some of you may recall the sad events surrounding Jim Harris's extention which shocked his next door neighbour Gladys last spring and its unplanned sad removal by the council.

Village hall. 
Following the discovery of a world war two WVS scone under the sink last week the kitchen has been placed out of bounds until Madge Morris (formerly meals on wheels) can identify the strain and genus to health and safety officials prior to removal. 

Naturally  this will mean there will be no hot or cold food or beverages being produced this week. Those of you who had some of Mildred's Cottage Pie last month may feel this a blessing. 

Club News:
Canned Fruit Assoication. 
Meets Mondays every second month. 1700 in the club room. Bring yourself. Last months kewi fruit compot was said to be depressing nicely.

Photography club:
Last weeks glamour class was attended by a capacity crowd to see Candy Snack and appreciate her photogenic attributes. The fight for the front seats did however mar the proceedings somewhat and a cordon has been arranged for any future events including Miss Snack. 

 This week the club will be investigating the art of Macro Photography and you are encouraged to bring your own Macro. Anyone knowing what a Macro is? Please let the editor know! 

French lessons are to be given by Madam Du Blarrrrrrrr this year behind the bike shed most wednesday evenings. Her calling card is in the village phone box for those wishing home tutoring. 

The Herbshire and Colieweston Classic Car Club meet at the Clutch and Grease Nipple P/H has been cancelled until further notice following the multiple pile up on the A47 between Utoxeter and Blatherwick on Good Thursday last. 

Births Marriages and Deaths. 
Births: 
Marvis and Henry Brand-Hunter  A Boy 8lbs 3 oz at home - Christening at St Plods in the sand Thursday 23rd Oct. Viewing by appointment. 

Marriages:
Miss Pru Dential and Mr Harvey Flossmonger Jnr at St Plods in the Sand 24th Oct. Rev Spoonbill presiding. Flowers welcome - be advised the toilets are still blocked following the W.I. Curry Night. 

Deaths:
In his shed Wednesday last noisily. Herbert Singed-Gently. Following an unfortunate accident with his home brew kit. Health and Safety and HM Customs and Excise are investigating. Parts of Herb were found as far afield and Widdicom St Anns! Service at St Plods in the Sand 30th October. No flowers please - donations to Radio for the Deaf. Thank You.