Welcome to our first Parish Monthly Newsletter. Please forward any items you wish to be published at least one Tuesday before the next Thursday unless Wednesday is earlier in which case thats fine. We are particularly interested in any stories concerning village life and of course events etc. So, without further ado:
Future Events for your diary.
Every Sunday - St Catherine's 10 am sharp the Vicar Rev Shirley Knott Will be conducting the orchestra in weekly worship. Sunday school has now been combined with the Weekly Youth Club in the village hall held every second Wednesday - 6 pm till 9. Bring your own child please. We draw the line at arson so please dont give the little darlings matches.
Women's Institute:
Village hall Thursday 7 pm sharp. Principle Mrs Grace Glandular-Fevorr M.B.E. Chief Jam Pot in waiting to the Coven. Please bring any items for the fifth coming Bring and Buy sale in aid of The Willows Donkey Sanctuary and Tea Rooms. This years theme and cause for great domestic concern is "custard skin" in the home.
President - Muriel Hunter-Bystander will be coordinating.
Vice President - Margo Leominster-Shagpile
Events Coordinator. Nancy Evidently-Feeble
Membership Secretary and Treasurer July Authorised.
The Village hall weekly roster:
Monday Lunch for the elderly has been cancelled following the theft of the tea spoons. PCSU Urban Beat Officer Mustapha Leak - Reports investigations are on going alongside the theft of a tea service from the Vicarage prior to the Vicars cancelled tea party.
Tuesday Yoga 10 till 11 am.
Margery Mongoose-Smyth and Pippin Huntingcombe-Bumble will be encouraging us once more this year. Their "Lion Face" relaxation therapy rightly has been the talk of the village and for only £2 a session is most excellent value for those with joint issues and the mildly mute. There is no truth in the rumor that Misty Pringleton facial contortions has in any way been caused by her attendance last year at yoga. Medical investigations are on going as this newsletter is being compiled and we wish her a speedy recovery from whatever it is that causes whatever it does for however long it may be.
Tuesday Jazzercise 2 pm 3 or exhaustion - whichever is sooner.
Penny Prune and Penelope Squid will be leading the Jazzercise once more. Villages are encouraged to remember the autopsy report concerning Martha Prenderghast's most unfortunate death was attributed to cerebral concussion and not being hit on the head by Willy Dents foot during last tuesdays free style kung-fu line dance sequence. Still, remarkable value for only £2 a session. Bring your own defibrillator.
Ms Principle Lead will be conducting again this year following the groups majestic production of Pearl Harbor The Musical last year during the village fete. A little Birdie reports we can expect something even more monumental this year. Readers may recall, The local Huntingdon Express theater critic noted "this truly will stand as one of the most authentic battle sequences and war musicals ever enacted by a amateure group. Will IWas goes on, "I was moved to tears when Mrs Sheila Spoonbill (playing the USS Arizona) was struck by a torpedo fired by Mrs Brenda Slovene (playing a Japanese Torpedo plane) exploded and sank in the duck pond causing substantial blast damage to the green house of Mr T. Brown to the rear of the duck pond. The subsequent panic soon abated and we are all most impressed by the fact that Sheila survived intact thanks to her substantial under garments. Plucky gal! Spontaneous applause broke out and many tears were shed when the survivors regrouped at the end of the show to take a final bow before conveyance to accident and emergency. Amazing so few died really!". Here here say we all.
Wednesday - Evening Bible reading 6 ill 8 pm.
The Methodist Bible and Spoon bending group welcome all comers to this weekly contemplation of the good word from the good book. Entrance is free but exit costs £3. This week Kathleen Quietly-Dim and assistant lay chief vocalist Ms Faith Fartington-Ovenwear-brown will be concentrating (weather permitting) on the place of cod in fish and chips vs haddock as a artistic style choice in modern post war biblical art. Any readers who may understand how this fits with modern faith should call for psychiatric help immediately, or attend the above group. Last weeks contemplation entitled "Jove who drove to shrove tuesday and lent his ass on ash wednesday", was well received by the usual plaintiffs. Mable Claggwort has since been released on her own cognition from safe custody following her sectioning last week by PC Hill after Mable lost the plot ripped off all her clothes and ran around chanting "Peas Pudding Peas Pudding Peas Pudding" much to the amazement of the junior net ball team on the court outside. Kathleen and Faith have promised to not over spice the fruit cake again.
Thursday - Deaf awareness. 10 till 11 am.
Mandy Mainbrace will be repeating her lecture on how to over come communications difficulties with the hard of hearing. Those with sensitive hearing should bring hearing protection or stand some distance away from the hall.
Thursday - Lonely ? 1 till 3 pm. Speaker to be notified.
Thursday - Youth Club 7 till 10 pm. Bring your own youth and club. Cricket bats are provided for those wishing to youth club in a more traditional manner. No formal training is required and its fun for all the adults.
Friday - Indoor sand yachting. 10 till 12 am. Please allow one hour either side for beach construction and the clean up.
Friday - Book Club 2 till 4 pm. Miss Edwina Limp will be discussing 50 shades of grey and its impact on indoor sports. Those of you who have recently read the book and may be still tender can find cushions in the store behind the black board.
Friday - 4 pm till 5 pm. Great Crested Newt Support Group. Following the sad news that the Stop the Blatherwick Bypass scheme failed in its attempt to have the bypass work halted Marigold Gloves and her able companion Denby the Coockerdoodle will be on hand to protect the Highfield farm pond where in lie those bastions of the deep the great crested newt, until a new home for them can be found. We know that many of you have slaved at the barricades and resisted the onslaught of the
bulldozer with tremendous zeal. And none more so that Ariadne Bloomergust who shortly will sadly start her five year term in the Scrubs for possession of an offensive weapon and criminal damage to a JCB. I know many of you found her talk on home made anti tank weapons very useful last month. However, the battle is now to save the great crested newt and move them to speedy sanctuary. All those with a garden pond wishing to support this great cause can do so here. Please come to our next meeting. Weapons should be handed in at your nearest Police station.. Thank you.
Saturday 10 -12 am. Coffee morning and breakfast in support of the Bee keeping for the blind.
Saturday 1 till 3 pm Midwifery for beginners. Please bring your own towels, three pieces of string and a pair of scissors.
Saturday 7 till 11 pm. Village Pub. Stella off this week so you will have to put up with Mildred again! Sorry and the full contact Domino final has been postponed till further notice those wishing to continue this sport are requested to do so in the car park.
Notices:
Martha Rampant of the Dwelling High Street would like to thank all those who sent their sympathy on the death of her Hamster Alan from exhaustion in his wheel a couple of weeks ago.
Lost and found:
Lost: Husband.. Hardly used. limited mileage, full service history. Anyone seeing him should direct the stupid old bugger home to Anne Maples 2 Dews Court. Last seen in the Dog and Duck. Responds to the name Arthur or Arsehole.
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