Life changes

20 years ago I was in Bosnia just across the river drjna/drina which marks the border between Bosnia and Serbia. Across the river at the time Bosnian Serbs were shooting men and kids in the head. I was with a UN Monitoring Mission and could do nothing. We were unarmed and only four people. I will not bore you with the story of those days.. Its not the point of this narrative. What is, is the clarity with which those events came back to haunt me last week. Triggered by the media coverage of the anniversary of the massacre. There were many massacres in Bosnia, but I guess Srebrenica was the one people remember the most. It is not the case for me.. I remember other horrors from that war and more than anything I remember the kids and women.

It was those images that haunted me last week. I really thought I would have stopped dreaming about it by now. I served in Ireland and Afghanistan/Pakistan.. and the Lebanon was no pic nic. But its always Bosnia that gets me. I think it was because the setting was achingly beautiful and the people so passionate and kind. Plus, one could fly home in 3 hours. I think that was the worst thing. I did 3 months on and 3 weeks rest. The change from Belgrade to Heathrow airports was mind blowing.

One minute one could be watching thousands of desperate refugees fleeing for their lives and 3 hours later listening to ones partner moaning about the price of electricity.

Much has been written concerning this dislocation and inevitable consequence of love lost and relationships broken and I wish I knew then what I know now.. But hindsight is the only perfect science and we have to live in the here and now and with the past we have lived.. Shame because I still love both the women I lost. They were good people and its not for me I morn its for the pain they suffered loving me.

The whole Balkan mess was my baby for five years and it was five years that has shaped my old age. It caused a stroke and 2 failed relationships with women I loved deeply. I wish there was one thing I could point to that was a success, but there is nothing and perhaps that is a legacy in itself. Perhaps as an epitaph "nothing" sums up Bosnia and....?