Parish Newsletter 24th March 2017 Homage to Beechcomber.

Welcome to the Parish of  Blatherwyck En Crout information and weekly newsletter. 

Address from the Rt Rev Alfonse Loose-Globe DMC, MFI and Clasp. Vicar of St Bernice the confused. 

May the peace of Jehova and the fellowship of the golf club be amongst you and with you within and without us all as we spring forward to pastures new. Tis with some considerable pain that I sat this morning and after a brief interjection was removed by the Deacon I moved on to safer ground and once more took on my pastural duties. Not with standing or indeed sitting in judgement, as one does. upon my ass I wondered high and low and eventually found an open A&E where I was bound in honey and vinegar due to a lack of elasterplast and thanks to cut backs. Once returned unto the fold I showered, removed the flies that stuck to me and again found the favor of the Lord in all his works by gazing upon the west vestry window, now repaired by Jack Slob of Everrest Windows Bogchester tel : 761987 after Reginald Spencer Pest had broken said pane with a cricket ball last year. 

As we approach Middlemass Springus Magna I could not but think of Frederick's Letter to the Corinthians contained in Fred 6 chp 2 to 5 inclusive in the revised book of Fred concerning his thoughts on mustard and rhubarb poltice making during lent. Little is known of the reply from the Corinthians bombarded as they were at this time by missives from many Apostles. St Berts Letter concerning colonic irrigation and fish oil as treatment for a minor squint being one such letter now lost to time. 

And having thought on these subjects at some length I passed on to this weeks forthcoming Bi monthly annual mattress platting and bulb polishing display by the Blatherwyck Women's Institute and Vehicle Recovery Group. 

Last years event was most memorable for the standard of polishing and in particular the efforts of Gladys Buttock nee Elbow. Gladys what is your secret? It must be in the wrist action. Let us hope the poor bulb crop this year and let us not forget that  the comitant and or concomitant) strabismus is a deviation that is the same magnitude regardless of gaze position. Noncomitant (or incomitant) strabismus has a magnitude that varies as the person or indeed persons shifts his or her gaze up, down, or to the sides of the bulb in question! Which doubtless may effect the outcome. I know I dose?

Be that as it was or may in the future be I leave you mediums out there with this thought.....?


Monthly Notice Board

Welk appreciation society has been sadly cancelled this months Welk Curry Night due to an outbreak of welk poisoning. Those of you who may have suffered from violent flatulence and projectile involuntary defecation are no doubt aware of it and need no reminder to seek shelter and or reconstructive surgery. 

All other events are as planned unless they have been cancelled. Please feel free to find out on the night. 

Births, Marriages and Deaths. 

Births:
Following a prolonged delivery in which time was taken to serve lunch at the Bogwort on Muse Cottage Hospital a Daughter Darf to Mr and Mrs Vader. 

Marriages:
Master Hardy Mount and Miss Shandford Hand-Shandy at the Bogchester register of deaths office tuesday next. Any rice should be donated pre-cooked and donated to the curry evening planned for last wednesday. 

Deaths. 
Soon to be arranged for Eric Spume estranged Husband of Elsie. Missing since the Hunt Ball along with Sian Humber-Staffcar now belived to be in  Cyprus. 

Note: 
All items for the bring and fling skip are to be checked into the following bins. 

Brown. Brown items but not gravy. 

Green. Green Bottles and Brown Bottles but not clear bottles if the grey bin is full. 

Purple Bin
Clothes and shoes between size small and x large shoe size 11 only. All other shoes are to be placed in size order by the raised barrier. 

Orange Bin
For really gay clothes that even you Brother Vermillion the Gay wouldnt wear. 

Black bin
The habit of placing dead bodies in this bin will stop immediatley its not funny. Even though the Coop Are now charging over £7K for a straw coffin and a box of swan vestas. Its not funny and it smells. 

Canal shaped bin. For all bicycles, prams and unwanted household pets. 

Kind of Apple with a hint of magnolia bin:
For all household appliances with an R in the month and ironing boards only please. 

Late closing sunday - free entrance. Exit £3. Refreshments will be available by the black bin. Please take your litter home with you. 

Bi Election; Bogchester and Vexed on Tynne Ward. Message from Middle Ground and Good Egg  Party Candidate Elmer Battersea-Thud. 

" Do you ever wonder... I know I do. Sometimes I wonder for miles and it was during my wonder that I recently thought (a first for me) and went home really shagged out. No I mean really!

HOWEVER.

Soon it will be time again to vote for someone to go forward and backwards daily to the London on Thames and live in the house of Commons and be paid £74000 a year and lots of lovely expenseseses to be your voice and stuff. I know I would like that and I hope you would like that two or maybe even three. So, if you like our policy on jam and spoon bending, Water cress as a way of life, Self errecting ladders and an end to carpet burns Vote Elmer Battersea-Thud. I know I will. Thanks for watching!










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Irony of Terror

I never cease to be amazed at what the human race can do in the fields of science, medicine, the arts and sadly what it can also do when it decides normal communications have broken down and starts killing each other! Often for reasons that total negate reason.......erm...............so to speak!

My first experience of humans gone mad came when I was sent - back in the very early 1970s - to a very remote country called Oman where some nasty people had decided to topple the local ruler and impose thier verson of communisim. I saw things out there that made a young boy grow up fast. One strange thing was that our toilet cleaner (named ironically Fred) was also the executioner for the local ruler.

Then off to Ireland to see how insane the Irish can be in the name of a shared God, but a divided view of the finer detail I saw young women tarred and feathered and people crippled with electric drills. The IRA could be every bit as nasty as ISIS and its Ironic that the leader of that particular band has now died to some acclaim in the press as a peace maker! I can not share this view. I will not forgive McGuinness his crimes, but I will let a sleeping dog lie. However, the thought of all the soldiers of the Crown who are now being investigated for alledged crimes in the troubles rankles when all the IRA and UVF thugs have been released in the interests of peace. 

Naturally my heart goes out to all those affected by the troubles. Two in particular may stand as an example and worth remembering. I was about 30 years of age, had done,  had seen too much and done too much war. I was burnt out emotionally, I was also tired out and told I needed a break, indeed ordered to take one. So, I took some time and had treatment in one of the Forces psychiatrict hospitals then getting cranked up to deal with PTSD. However, this is not about me it is about a young lad who was in my ward. I will cut to the chase: everynight he would wake up and scream terribly and wet the bed. I would sit with him and comfort him and eventually he told me what was haunting him. 

He had been on his first tour of duty in Northern Ireland based in London Derry. On his first Patrol his patrol was hit by an ambush and two  killed. He became seperated from his patrol and panicked. A IRA man found and took his rifle from him, the lad to his shame wet himself and the gunman to his credit stuck his pistol in the boys ear and said in the other ear "Go home to yer Mummy little boy". 

Second story is of a young lad (me) "On the pull" in an Irish Disco. I spotted a young lass of some considerable beauty sat near the dance floor. I wondered over and tried my best chat up line and was told to "feck off", I persisted and her friends told me to "feck off or else". I went and had a drink with the lads and noted she was not a happy looking chick and I dont know why but I blamed myself. I told the lads to watch my back and went over with a gin and orange (style eh!) for her and sat down to a stunned silence from her friends. Looked into her eyes and said "whats your problem then?" She looked at me and said "two fucking tin legs - whats yours". For a second I was gobbed smacked and then said. "right then you can fucking slow dance cant you". She burst into lovely giggles and I managed to save face. I often think of her when someone goes on about the troubles.  I married an Irish gal just like her, but thankfully with both her own legs. More of that another time perhaps. Ill call it living with the enemy!  By God she was a fiesty lass!


I could go on, but whats the point. Lebanon, Pakistan, Afghanistan, Somalia and Bosnia all then took up the remainder of my working life, First as a serviceman and then with the UN. I have seen my gut full of other peoples war. And what have I learnt?  

Well war should be quick very violetn and over fast. There is no room for compassion and all the media and NGOs in the world should stay away, for it is they that feed, arm, prolong and make worse most conflicts......if not all. 

Secondly, If we cannot learn that "thou shalt not kill" is real good advice then a stout pair of Corduroy trouser in a dark colour is a good fashion choice. Because adrenaline is brown!!!!