Blatherwyck En Crout Parish news.

Tis cold and miserable with a forecast of more to follow and so dear readers tis time once more to venture into the world of  the Blatherwyck En Crout Parish Newletter. Nestled in the valleys of Upper Denbyshire near Roose on Way just off the old Roman road the A654 near Uxtterby. 

 28th January 2016.
Message from the Rev Harvey Harvest

To those good fellows of this Parish a hearty salutation to you on this third morning after the last one which is the one before the next one in the Roman Calendius Magnus. That is not to confuse this day with the one to come which is after all after lent and before it was borrowed. Ha ha! 

As we slowly approach Candelmus eventide one can see the  good Lord in all his majesty at work within and without and yet mainly without the great countryside thats surrounds us here and there erm and over there! I was only saying to my dearest spouse of 50 happy years the other day how magnificient the rear aspect of her herbaceous border was looking so early in the season, although I thought her bush needed trimming. In short, as we approach spring we may possibly all do with a trim and our hedges the better for it. It is oft forgotten that a Horrbilis Anus follows five years of plenty and this is certainly true in my experience.

 Now, I know we are all very pleased that our dear Deacon - formerly known as Prisoner A38746 - has been released on licence from HMP Wakefield. We, I am sure, will reframe from using any electrical items near his person, as it can effect his tracking device. Any siting of his person outside the or inside the Rose and Crown should be notified to the Police at once.

In other news:
The Brownie Cubs Guides recent amalgamation has been accomplished and the new Pack Owl Mr Sudgrave is in post. The uniform requirements have been somewhat taxing but, following an interjection by Mrs Cynthia Large-Pratt of UKFeminista, the new uniform is as follows:
Rainbow cap                   £3-50                       from LGBT Foundation.com
Scarf and woggle            £4                           Scouting surplus store
T shirt- Im a budding      £8                           LSE Gift Shop. 
Snowflake

                                                           (Mr Sudgrave recent photo)
First meeting is arranged for tuesday 31st at the village hall. Mr Sudgrave has, was and still is keen to assure you that he has been CRB checked to within an inch of his life and that if you have been, or are likely to be even remotely effected by anything concerning this miisive you should hasten to contact the Brown Cubs Guides website before contacting the Police or Claims direct. 

Clay Pigeon Club
Results are in from last weeks event at the Sports Field. 
 Sid sod                  15/20            dropped 5 
Sam Sod                 3/20              drunk
Faith Fartner        1/20              disqualified for shooting at the trap. 
Gilbert Durge        0/20              later confirmed as dead on arrival. 
Mark Mark            17/20           Joint first place and winner of the egg cup for this year. 

Note: New members are always welcome to help clean up. 

Dog Club:

 Have you a K9 friend in need of stimulation, Is your best friend bored and in need of a change of scenery? Then bring Rover to the Dog Club at the village hall on wednesday evenings. Mrs Barberrra Badger - Cumviolently will be only too pleased to help you get the very best from your trusted compatriot and of course yourself. 
Anger management
Boredom
Toilet anxiety
Bone retention issues
Car safety and window dribbling etiquette are all covered. 
As are also many areas effecting your dog.  
With only two weeks instruction you will soon be able to understand your dog simply by the look on his face.

Look at these four photos of Mullberry the malmut. Is he trying to tell you:
A. I really love being here.
B. I want to go now
C. Are you just stupid or what.
D. I give up.
And of course its A.

Soon you will have a dog as happy as this:

Never be afraid to set a low standard and then fail to acheive it. If this is you  and your dogs objective then come along to the dog club on Wednesday and please dont forget a happy dog is a happy owner. To make me happy bring £10 for your first week. Poo bags are free!

See you on Wednesday.

Births Marriage and deaths:
Births:
At home to Mable and Mark Hairlip a very ugly  son or daughter possibly.
Suddenly in a Nissan Qashqai to Edna Truss a daughter.

Marriages
Marriage is announced of Mr David Wimple Bandergast to Miss Wendy Fortisque Bushbaby at St Cripes in the wolds on 24th feb. Immediate relatives only.

Deaths:
Sadly of a tuesday on the bowling green Master John-Jo Oneal 89 years husband of Elsie. Burial at the Council Landfill viewing by prior arrangement with BGM skip hire. Donations directly to Elsie please. No cheques accepted.

Sqn Ldr Mandrake Malcontent-Defibrilator DSO DFC following a shooting accident in his bathroom.

Note:

Please forward any inclusion to be included inclusively to A.Blabberwort@hogwash.com.

Late press: 
Following last night tragic gas explosion at Blathewyck Lodge in which Lady Constance and Major Boil were badly trampled by the herd of domestic Wildebeest in the lower paddock and the subsequent erruption in the sewage water treatment plant in Featherstone lane the Scouts Jamboree has been moved to football club.