I think flatulence is probably the last true area of sexism left in the UK.In that women who cant hold their wind can always hold the high ground when it comes to farting. Example:
I have arthritis in my spine and the GP said go do some Yoga. I
found a local chapter (or whatever is the collective) and rocked up
with my towel to find its all old ladies. Naturally being the only chap I
get at the back and hide behind this Lady of some considerable girth and off we go
into the lion posture etc. Suddenly she broke wind alarmingly......I
mean with considerable strenght, lets say force 10 in the sea areas Dogger to Humber. This minor detonation of course halted the proceedings and we all paused and the
cheeky cow looks at me! Then all the Ladies all look at me in that slow head turn of doom... I have not been
since!
It seems the convention in such situations is for the male to take the hit! And yet, if honesty had been the order of the day and Moby Dick had admitted to letting one go, all would have been fine, indeed it would be dismissed with a collective chuckle by the remaining ladies. But the male of the speciese letting one go is vile and to be punished.
Why is flatulence divided along gender lines? And why is it that a woman farting is deemed a "toot" and funny and a man farting is some (I use the word advisadly) kind of rights of passage in male company and disgusting in mixed? I need answers to these questions.
My first dear wife was a diminutive in size but, made up for it in othe ways. Strong as an ox and born to the plough (Irish) she could move mountains and as a Nurse was oft called on to do so. She gave way to no man and held her own in most company. Untill, that first day when we dined out in rather select company and she let one go that would have simply stunned those of lesser erm...............stuff. Naturally those around her were shall we say surprised and I noted one or two who may have been worried about their safety! I sat opposite this rather beautiful pale looking WMD and could just about contain my mounting hysteria. She, of course nearly fainted with presumably the effort involved in pushing such a huge volume of gas through such a small aperture. Indeed, its a wonder the force didnt make her arse fray and now sat dejected and exhausted. But rallying quickly she managed a faint "sorry" and excused herself in order no doubt to re-adjust her now loose "harvest festivals" (harvest festivals = to gather safely in!!). Naturally, upon her return as a lady the whole affair was glossed over and the soup was served.
The next example concerns a dear girl I had the very good fortune to abide with - across the brush so to speak - in the deepest heart of the lovely Cotswolds for some 11 summers. A buxom lass with a lovely voice similar to Pam Ayres. Indeed, we lived not 5 miles from her. I did love that girl, she was just about perfect in everyway..................but one... She could out perform the Scots Guards when it came to breaking wind. And nothing was sacred. She would cock a leg and let it go, no matter where or when. Splendidly funny was her abillity to cover a fart with a cough or rumble on her seat and let one slip. One of course got used to it and marvelled at the splendour that was she. Until the day of my Fathers funeral when just as the curtain parted to allow the coffin to go on it way and with perfect syncronisation with the organist she let a vile long and loud rendition of her own first movement in F sharp fly. Her seat being flat on a church pew naturally didtn help and amplified the outrageous pitch and volume.......................stunned................silence, Mother with an appalled look fixed on her distraught face, horror on the Vicar's and then bless her she burst into embarrassed giggles. Which I swear she knew would always get me giggling too. As always she said in Cotswold, "Oooher where that come from then?"
I could go on, but you no doubt get the point. There is of course only one other species on this planet who can clear a room better than a human being and that is:
So, dear reader remember the old sandscipt adage "Wherever you be let your wind blow free" and enjoy!